Welcome to my journal!
_{Here shall be all the entries I'll make in 2023 :D}

i dont think it should feel so awful

i wish i had a best friend. i have best friends but they dont text me enough i guess what i really mean is i wish i had people who noticed when i wasnt there. i wish for it now but when i have it i get squeamish. but i still want it. i want to be loved. or at least seen. known. i feel so unseen and unknown. and lonely. mostly lonely. something about the hormones and the seasonal depression really fucked me up this week. i dont want to do anything even though i have a lot of things to do. there is a constant lingering feeling of nausea. not really. just something in my throat. what is the point of all of this if i am not even loved? there is a point i am the point i have to be here for myself or whatever. but fuck, i was raised wrong when i should've been raised right. i depend on other people for worth because i can't find it in myself. i am so lost. i want to be my own person i also do not want to be that. someone come guide me through defining myself.

my friends are all so busy both online and in person. they do not have time for someone like me. and why would they? i'm bad company. nothing i say these days is funny, i'm not even worth having around. i need devotion like people have devotion for anxious fostered dogs, but who the fuck is gonna give that to me. i have to foster myself. i don't know how to. i am so scared to do it. i'm just waiting on the mat for someone to come through the door. no one is coming through the door and it makes me so sad. i am above this, probably. it doesn't make it hurt any less.

i got a haircut recently. still think i need to get the sides cut better but i'm still enjoying it overall. changed my sheets and showered in the same day, this is good.

i think i should think about working with animals or something. i don't know. maybe i could become one of those petsitters for celebrities even though the reality of the situation would most likely kind of suck. maybe i should learn bass guitar and pretend to be cool.

i have been feeling very shit lately. i like healing and i like being more aware due to it, but i also kind of hate it. it is so much work. it is good work, i am doing good and this is good for me, but i just wish i had a little more support, i guess. i have plenty of support. i don't know why i am so greedy with it. i think i just want to feel special to someone. no one texts me directly but that's fine, they don't have to. they're busy or they don't know what to say. i don't know. it's not about me even if i think it is. i just don't want to feel like this.

ok whatever i'm fine i'm literally fine. just seasonal depression and hormones and a lack of sleep and poor athleticism. which is valid even though it feels really stupid. i will be fine i have been fine before look here is a silly picture i drew.

that's all for tonight like and subscribe or something

augh we persevere despite it,
simon ♥

LOL WHATS GOOD GANG!!!! it's been 3 months and i pretty much only edited the site to fix some random blinkie that got removed from tumblr. i still remember it so clearly.... anyways who cares about that HOW ARE YOU GUYS!!! you can either answer that or not answer that ♥. i am doing just peachy, thank you kindly. school's got me buuummmmeeeddddd but it's better than being at home so W i. guess LMAO. figured that if i was gonna edit the index i should get somethin in the journal too. for posterity or whatever.

my brother moved out recently! good for him!! i was starting to think neither of us would ever get out of here haaaaahahahah. ha. think i'm gonna apply to colleges in my state (you guys knew i was a filthy american already right?) b/c even tho they're not all that ~prestigious~ or whatever IDC!! i need to GET OUTTA HERE!!!! PRONTO!!!!!! i need to fucking LEAVE!! i am MISERABLE living with my parents! yeah yeah yeah they're not really bad people but GODDAMN are they bad parents sometimes!!!! thrashing at the bars of my cage for real and on god. i think it's nigh time for me to accept that life is going to come my way whether i like it or not, ruthless relentless passage of time n such n such. the problem is that i just don't know what i want to DO with myself! i really truly honestly genuinely do not. i LIKE art but i don't think i want it to be what i major in. i LIKE psychology but would i really want to be a psychologist?? biology is cool but i think setting up experiments or whatever would end me. also i am not super stellar at stem-y stuff, so. you know. like when i was a kid i wanted to be a vet but then i found out that a lot of vet work is putting animals down and later i further found out that vets have very high suicide rates. also, again, not super stellar at stem-y stuff! not one of my strong suits, and that is a-okay b/c i've got other strengths probably maybe i think so. gah. GAUH. i think i will actually still go to college though. i think it would be good for me and again i have GOT to get outta hereee raahghghhh!!!

reconnected with friends over the summer and uuugughhhhhhhh... not about the friends thing i love my friends i love my friends so much!! i think just like. it is sort of what lorde sung in "liability"... "the truth is i am a toy that people enjoy / 'til all of the tricks don't work anymore / and then they are bored of me" like FUCK SING IT LORDE!!!! thats exactly how it is :( or at least that's how it feels. i think i am so fun at the start of relationships and then i fuck it all up with my silly stupid STUPID little brain! it doth suck quite severely, for real and for serious. to be honest with you gang i think about it a lot! i do i most certainly do. i make friends and they like me and then i fuck it all upppp or SOMETHING because at some point they don't talk to me anymore. and i never know what i did wrong! or maybe i didn't do anything wrong. maybe people just change or whatever. i don't know! fuck! i'd know if people, like, TALKED TO ME!! my friends are in relationships and i am so fucking sadcore lonelyboy singleton it is so awful. is it such a sin to want to be special to someone? consistently? to put faith in a relationship and watch it prosper? fuck. i couldn't do a romantic relationship anyway, i had like. one. and i fucked it up SO BAD gang, i fucked it up so bad. i WAS special to someone! very special! and i went and fucked it all up because i didn't understand that i needed to appreciate that shit. i needed to savor it, sip it slowly, roll it in my mouth and let it coat every crevice, let it cleanse me from the inside out. i didn't know i had to savor it then. oh hey i've talked about this guy before! ahhh he's got a better life now. proud of him! miss him. miss him a lot, in a very selfish sort of way. i think i would've kept him stagnant and he would've realized anyways that i was just holding him back. but we'll never know! even though that's kind of what happened but i'm. yeah. that's what happened. and then it sort of happened again and it sort of happened again and i guess this is just how it is! i guess this is just how it is for me! which is very self-depricating, i'm aware, but three's a pattern, isn't it? ahhh whatever. we keep on keeping on. like saturday, saturday was god fucking awful and i cried so hard my face and hands went numb and i screamed so loud i'm still surprised no one called the cops, and everything that was said and done was AWFUL god fucking awful even beyond what people know. but people don't really need to know. point is, we keep on keeping on! ball is life + fuck it we ball = fuck it we live.

hm ok i should add that people aren't really obligated to talk to me or whatever. like i know people are busy and i'm objectively not particularly high on the priority list because i kind of suck at maintaining actual human conversations so it's a bit of a struggle to talk to me, so it's not. like. ok i don't know? i think i'm just lonely. the real fog only lifted kinda recently so it. kind of sucks that while i was in the fog is when people were talking to me the most? i can't even remember what it was that i did that made people want to talk to me, coincidentally b/c of the fog lol. ANYWAYS anyways whatever whateverrr i should stop whining about this in my first entry back. LIFE IS OTHERWISE PRETTY well it's like decent which for me equals SWELL!!! i have stopped thinking about killing myself all the time!!! huge improvement!!!! cut my hair short for the first time in EVER a couple months ago, which was AWESOME. things are GOING and i will NOT DIE and i will MAKE IT THE HELL OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL I SWEAR TO GOD. there is a better life outside of this i just have to fucking. GRAB IT and nurture it and take steps to help it motherfucking grow!!! and ok THAT is a good message to end it on I WILL SEE YOU LATER POSSUM GANG NATION!! but who even knows what "later" means specifically lol not me ANYWAYS.

PEACE OUT 'TILL LATERRR,
simon ♥

heya possum gang(?? what) im here to talk about stuff. also, happy pride month! please read up on the history of pride month and pride as a movement in general - i can nearly 100% guarantee you will learn something new. (it's, like, a 99.9% guarantee, unless some of y'all happen to be pride month historians, which i believe is highly unlikely however you can never rule anything out, so... yeah!)

anyways today i hung out with two friends who i havent seen in a while! in this following entry, friend 1 shall henceforth be referred to as beck (she/her) and friend 2 shall henceforth be referred to as jordan (they/them). for legal reasons, i made all of this up and none of this is true. for illegal reasons, this is a retelling of events and emotions as i experienced them earlier today.

so beck's the strong mutual bond that me and jordan have (i could probably stand to text jordan more but frankly we don't have very much in common) and she's frequently unavaliable for hangouts, so when she invited us to come over to her house we both of course said yes. beck picked me up at late 1-something in the afternoon (she was meant to pick me up at 2 but said she was bored and so asked if she could pick me up earlier, to which i said yes even though by that time i was still in bed; i rushed to get my shit done and put together in time tho so no worries) bc i can't drive lol. i'm going to now provide some context: i have been mildly in love with beck for several years, although "strong admiration" is perhaps a better term for how i feel about beck. you see, we were very good and close friends for a relatively long time, but then she found new friends and also got her life to a point where it is now thriving, meanwhile i have stayed the exact same for years and years with more or less the exact same friends and exact same lifestyle (it is not a good lifestyle). i am very deeply insecure about my relationship with her because she has better, more interesting people in her life, and i apparently hate myself so much that i can't imagine she likes me as much as them. if you've read my other journal entries, i'm sure that last sentence is completely unsurprising to you. if you've read my other journal entries, i'm sure you will be equally unsurprised that beck has told me multiple times they still like me and that i am still one of their best friends. anyways. beck vapes and smokes (weed and cigs). jordan vapes and smokes (weed and cigs, again). i do not vape nor smoke anything nor do i do any other drugs, even prescription ones (of which i have never been prescribed anyways, so that's a moot ass point). beck and jordan have a sex drive. i, in any meaningful way, do not have a sex drive (acespec babyyyy and also lowkey arospec lol). is this TMI? almost absolutely, but i can't seem to find where i left my fucks to hand out. they're probably wherever i left my sex drive. ANYWAYS. i immediately fucked up the hangout by texting jordan that beck wouldn't start getting stoned until jordan was here; jordan's mom read this text (somehow??) and jordan got in trouble because of it. this sets up a starting issue: jordan's parents are probably going to test them for drugs when they get back home. we will come back to this later. btw when i'd fucked this up for jordan, beck was doing her makeup and i was admiring her doing so in the mirror, bc she's very beautiful and if i were a better person i'd ask her out. but i'm not, so i won't, bc she deserves to have better people as admirers and lovers. i would like very very much for her to kiss me but she obviously will never be doing that ever again. (she did, once. a couple dozen times over the span of a day. extremely chaste, extremely friendly, all of them. it was over a year ago, or maybe two, but whatever the case it's never happening again. she loved me once, too. was in love, maybe, with me. years and years and years ago, and by that i actually just mean 2 or 3. but she was a different person back then and i was the exact same person i am now. i don't actually know for sure if she really loved me or just thought she did, but either way nothing like that will ever happen between us again, so. it doesn't matter.)

so anyways jordan arrived a short while later, and i apologized to them about the situation they were now in because of me. they said it was fine and that their parents were just being bitches, or... something along those lines. we went up to beck's room and i watched beck and jordan eat edibles on beck's bed; she had a bunch of flavors, which i honestly did not know was a thing. the flavors all sounded exceedingly appetizing to me and for a brief but strong moment, i wished i had the courage to ask for one. jordan took their bra and socks off and pulled a vape thing_{(???? fuck is it called dude. it wasnt a pen shape so its not a vape pen)} out from their underboob, which i thought was hilarious and also impressive but i dont remember laughing, giggling, chortling, tittering, or even chuffing about it. we ate mcdonalds burgers on beck's bed; beck had 1 burger i forgot the name of, jordan had some nuggets and a cheeseburger, and i had 2 mcchickens _{(they are ass and i love vaguely enjoy them even though they are so fucking expensive now for no good reason and i hate that bc its very clearly the SAME FUCKING SHIT that i ate as a kid which they're now just UPCHARGING FOR. that shit used to be a goddamn DOLLAR you used to be able to get a mcchicken for a motherfucking DOLLAR at mc "i like the it" naldos, and what is it now? a fucking DOLLAR FIFTY??? oh my god its a nearly 2 dollars are you KIDDING ME. jesus christ that is fucking ridiculous. mcdonalds fuck youuu fuck you so hard up the ass raw dry and unprepped with a shitty ass 8 inch dildo fuck you and your fuck ass mascots that eat children in ballpits and FUCK YOUR OVERPRICING OF MCCHICKENS THEY USED TO BE A FUCKING DOLLAR AND THAT IS ALL THEY ARE FUCKING WORTH YOU CORPORATE CUNTS. LOOK AT A GODDAMN MCCHICKEN AND TELL ME THAT SHIT IS EVEN WORTH ONE CENT MORE THAN A DOLLAR. i hate this shit mcchickens used to be a fucking dollar each as they fucking SHOULD BE)} and 6 chicken nuggets with tangy bbq (i asked for bbq and ig i got it tangy. tbf i didnt specify if i wanted it tangy or regular).

beck and jordan vaped the whole time while jordan called their best friend for nearly the entire time (which honestly i did not mind, jordan's friend was chill and also a very talented artist). jordan and beck talked about their bad hookup and bad almost-hookup respectively, then jordan talked about their ocs for a while which i enjoyed, then beck and jordan and jordan's friend talked about other stuff that i eventually stopped listening to and therefore forgot about; i'm like 90% sure it was all just about music and drugs tho, idk i have literally no idea i was just playing sudoku (which i am fucking good decent as hell at By The Way If You Even Care). at that point i was kinda feeling sidelined but i didnt bring it up bc like. ??? ok???? whatever who cares lol deal with it loser?????? like yeah yeah no one gives out trophies for silent suffering and all that but also like. i dont wanna make shit awkward?? and like. again So Fucking What, Dude. and even if i had brought it up, what were they supposed to do about it even?? talk about other stuff they wouldn't naturally want to talk about anyways??? i'd just be whining about nothing for no reason, so i just dealt with it by playing a dozen and a half games of sudoku. anyways whatever at some point i saw beck and jordan's boobs??? not in a sexual way tho, they were just high and like "lol i can see ur areola rn" "lol also hey do my nipples look weird" "nah lol wait are mine weird" "nah lol". also i nearly saw beck's mom's boobs too bc she was outside topless (i mean. she has a right to do that, she lives on that private property which is probably under her name, it's a free country, etc if there is any more etc to etera idk i cant think of anything else) but i looked away and so i only saw her back. upstanding gentleman, everyone, right fucking here. at some other point (or maybe just throughout) beck, jordan, and jordan's friend on the phone made a lot of fake moans, which i did not join in on bc ive literally never even tried to do that lest my fake moaning be completely awful and i embarass myself forever. at some other other point when it was nearing the time jordan had to leave, jordan and beck were like "ugh my parents are actually probably going to test me for weed" "shit dude thats fucked. hey do you think we could get simon to pee in a bag so your parents can test his weed-lacking piss" "oh shit maybe" (this idea had actually been brought up way earlier but w/e) anyways my point about that is i peed in a ziploc bag for my friend :thumbsup: i am a. well i was going to say upstanding citizen? but like technically upstanding citizens wouldnt do that. but like even more technically upstanding citizens would do that. so actually yes i am a upstanding citizen. besides i basically made the problem happen so its only right that i helped fix it right? yeah. i dont actually know if i was supposed to agree to that or not? i was sober the whole time i have no fucking excuse for poor decision making lol. but it probably wouldve been a dick move to not agree so whatever it already happened no take backsies.

anyways pissed in a ziploc beck walked jordan to the door i call my mom asking her to pick me up 20-30ish minutes later bc i figure beck and i won't have much else to say to each other. beck walks back up i tell beck my mom's picking me up soon and beck says "you can't stay longer than that?" and i, confused, say "you want me to stay longer?" and beck says "...yeah? of course i do, stay until 11" or something like that. then beck says "cmon lets cut your hair" (before jordan arrived beck had said she wanted to give me layers in my hair or something). i say "cool lemme call my mom" and i call my mom literally not even 5 minutes after i'd just called her before to now ask if i could stay until 11. obviously she yells at me a little about this but eventually we negotiate for her to pick me up at 10:45.

beck sits me down on a chair and puts on an episode of buzzfeed: unsolved, which is apparently on hulu now? i had no fucking clue it was on hulu. side note it was almost straight up weird as hell seeing shane and ryan look so... young, i guess? like holy shit dude ryan with his no beard and short hair? looked basically freshly 20 compared to how he looks now, which is like... 27 or 28, i guess. wait how old is he actually. 31?? what the fuck???? wait how old is shane? WHAT THE FUCK 37???????? ???? WAIT HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT UNSOLVED EPISODE??? wait no shit its late at night im in the dark im not fucking looking that up. the thumbnails will scare the shit out of me and i'll feel like there's a fucking face in my closet or whatever the shit. i know this bc when i last looked at those thumbnails in broad ass daylight i got scared as shit and thought some ghost fucker was gonna bite me dead. listen i have a nervous disorder ok. wait is anxiety even a nervous disorder. ?? why are there no direct answers for this. ok its not i guess, but my point is i get paranoid and the anxiety does not fucking help. ok. fucking. anyways back to the story. beck leaves to go find a buzzer (hair clipper? it's called a fucking hair clipper?) and hair scissors. i'm sat there watching the episode where the ghoul boys (what are they called now at watcher?? still the ghoul boys?????) lock each other in solitary confinement for 2 minutes so ghosts will talk to them in a penitentiary while she's doing that.

i hear beck walk back and have a brief conversation with her mom outside her room. i have no idea what they're saying. she comes back into the bathroom and, after some deliberation about what size guide to use, asks me to sit in the tub. "i couldnt find the hair scissors so we're just gonna touch up your undercut," she says, or something to that degree. i take off my shirt cuz yk haircut and beck also takes off her shirt cuz yk haircut; hair's gonna get everywhere n all that. beck throws (directly hands over; i have exceedingly bad eye-hand coordination and i'm nearly completely certain she's well aware of this) her old basketball shorts at me so i dont get hair bits all over my jeans, tells me i can keep them too. you should probably know by now that i have this pseudo-fear of buzzers, hair clippers, whatever - i don't like when they get near me. i rationalize it by thinking that it's due to an evolutionary thing involving t-rex and other dinosaur roars bc t-rex roars are (theorized to be) kinda like this low deep vibrating thing you can feel in your bones (if you havent watched those reconstructed dinosaur sounds videos i highly recommend yall do that its lowkey freaky but ultimately objectively awesome) and buzzers (hair clippers. you get what i mean by now) are kinda like that. also when i was 3 i got nicked on the ear by one. obviously i try not to flinch tho bc that just causes problems. my point is this is a very vulnerable thing for me, especially bc beck tells me to lean back until her legs are over my shoulders and my head is between her calves. she apologizes if i can smell anything (i can't). my mom used to compare my hair to dead grass bc the individual strands of my hair are thin and dry. definitely not the same color tho. never heard of any grass that was black, although i guess my hair has a unit has enough flyaways that the imagery still sticks, and i suppose since my hair was considerably more brown when i was a kid _{(my mom told me once in the checkout line at a grocery store when i was probably around 5 or so that having brown hair was a sign i was unhealthier than my brother and her since they had black hair and i didnt; i threw a short tantrum about it, probably just punched my brother or something. i say short bc my mom immediately raised her voice and told me to stop, which. like. fair enough i guess. hate when kids throw tantrums in public, its both sad and second-hand embarassing.)} that the dead grass comparison was more apt. anyways, back to the past-present. the modern past. recent? recent past. back to that. yeah anyways despite my hair strands being thin my hair is thick as fuck. for example, i have an undercut and it still looks like i have a full head of hair. when i shower i have to lift my hair up so the inside-bottom-half and my undercut get wet. the buzzer snagged in my grown-out undercut hair 5 times. beck said 3 or 4 times that my hair was thick. you get the point. partway through cutting my hair, beck more or less stopped asking me to tilt my head this way or that, just nudged my head one way or the other. this was probably bc i can barely tell left from right, nevermind work with diagonals and degrees of head tilting. hair was everywhere. around me, on me, probably in me. beck was probably talking to me a little while she made sure my undercut was even and clean, but i have no idea what she said. i had no clue what was happening in the unsolved episode bc i couldnt hear jack shit over the buzzer's buzzing. the low vibrations were around me, on me, probably in me. she got to my ear at some point, cleaning up my undercut that had been left completely untended for months. gave a verbal cue for it, most likely so i wouldnt completely freak the fuck out; i've definitely told beck the thing about my ear getting nicked by a buzzer when i was 3 before. i flinched slightly when the buzzer touched my ear. beck said something like "that's just the guide" which helped. it wasn't the buzzer's clippers themselves. i grimaced when the buzzer skated around my ear, maybe even squeezed my eyes shut. tried to focus on the unsolved video and the barely audible dialouge as i tried to unclench my shoulders. repeated the process when beck tidied up the hair around the other ear. and then, beck was done, and i was covered in hair, the smallest shards of which seemed to already be well on their journies to imbed themselves in my every skin fold. she showed me a picture of how it looked and i was very pleased with the result. it was neat. tidy like it hadn't been in months. i think, most importantly, it was beck that did it. that kind of intimacy of the whole process with her, that i hadn't experienced the whole night, really, and therefore hadn't experienced in months. maybe a year? maybe more than a year? i vaguely remember coming back from my last visit to her house, disappointed that we hadn't really said anything of interest to each other, hadn't really been pressed right next to each other like we always used to be. used to be, i guess, is how i keep looking at a lot of things in my life. nothing is ever how it used to be. i used to be smart. i used to be admirable. i used to be beck's sole(? probably not sole) best friend. people used to regularly ask if we were dating. beck used to ask me to dance with her. we used to hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek. beck used to text me every day. it seemed that beck used to be the one chasing after me, and now i was the one chasing after her. or maybe it's not like that at all and i'm completely fucking delusional, stuck in a self-pitying mindset, and doomed because of it to watch the same scenario play out with everyone in my life over and over again. watch as people get to know me, for real, without the thin veneer of funny haha silly to hide everything actually wrong with me, all the little fucked up parts i dont know how to fix that people look away from or ignore. watch as i make the same mistakes, over and over and over again without learning or, seeminly, noticing at all. watch as they all grow up and move on and i stay the same.

"go rinse off in the shower," beck said, standing up and handing me a rag to dust off as many hair bits as i could see. she'd dusted off whatever was on my back already. "ok," i'd said. she'd said something that i've forgotten now and closed the door, leaving me alone. and then knocked on the door asking if she could come in to tell me which shampoo and conditioner to use, which was genuinely great of her to do bc otherwise i wouldve straight up just stood around in beck's shower, naked and afraid mildly confused for a minute or two before just walking out of the shower. so i showered, and the whole time i was terrified that someone was looking at me, which.. no. no one was fucking looking. i'd somehow got it in my head that beck's mom hated me and was going to hear the shower running and somehow spy on me through the showerhead and judging me while also planning to show beck the footage later, which would get her in trouble or something bc i was nearly completely convinced that earlier when beck and her mom were talking that her mom didn't know beck was cutting my hair. in hindsight, this was a stupid ass thought, but in the moment it felt extremely real. the "spy in the showerhead" thing is actually a very common fear for me to have. i am, genuinely, gravely concerned any time i shower that 1) the floor will suddenly give out from underneath me and i will die while showering via fall damage (or worse, that i'll survive the fall and be in horrific amounts of pain while also being naked) and 2) that people are spying on me through my showerhead and they are livestreaming it and i am being either laughed at or jerked off to, both of which are Bad and Gross and Embarassing. the 2.5th thing is that it's the people at my school who are watching that fabricated ass livestream, which is Considerably Fucking Worse, Lol. i get over it eventually during every shower, but i pretty much always start off with that. i also start off feeling really fucking gross abt being *gasp* sinfully unclothed (it's mainly me feeling Bad that i've got a little more meat on my bones than the average fella might have bc we live in a societyTM), but again i just... get over it eventually. the realities of generalized anxiety disorder! it is not fun and also really fucking weird and also kind of fucking gross. same goes with depression. just... really fucking weird, most of the time. and gross, but in a slightly different flavor. btw i found out later that beck's mom had every ounce of idea abt beck cutting (buzzing?) my undercut, so. lol. lmao. anxiety is constantly fucking wilding yall. constantly fucking wilding. that shit is weiiirdddd. but also sometimes right? which is even weirder and i don't like it.

so yeah! that's how my day went, more or less. at some point while typing all this, i was walking from literally just. my desk to my bed when my mom heard me walking and yelled at me to go to sleep because i have something important to attend to tomorrow morning, and it's a very well known fact that i am NOT a morning person in the SLIGHTEST. anyways, bc of the shock, i managed to slip and fall with enough force to 1) break my left slipper (which was p good quality ngl) and 2) slam my right knee on the hardwood floor, hard enough for me to worry about it being bruised. this sucks especially bc i already bruised my knee yesterday trying to exit from the backmost seats of a van (which is a different tale i neglected to update you all about, mostly bc when i got back home yesterday night i'd walked nearly 11,000 steps total throughout the day and was very tired due to that fact). anyways, just an unfortunate side note. i really like those slides, too... some superglue will probably fix it.

deadass nearly 4am rn lol im literally abt to get like 3-ish hrs of sleep and then maybe go to a class for 4 hrs Lol Lmao we live we laugh we ball thats how it is on this bitch of an earth. insert that fucked up image of buff luigi with his ass out or smth idfk. or maybe it was vore art. oh my god i followed this person on deviantart who was like 14 and suddenly got really into vore. super cutesy art style and constantly posted vent art to a decently sized but relatively small audience. i mean shit what am i gonna do, judge them? bitch lmao look at what im doing. shit's not much better, altho ig i don't have like. 100 something people looking at my journal entries? lol. fuckinnn let he who is without sin cast the first stone. yeah i went to church for like idk 5 yrs? i did nottttt enjoy it. pfft near the end of my church-going journey i kept having panic attacks under the vanity they had in the bathroom. dead fucking ass like 3 or 4 times no one noticed the entire 3 hours. one time this lady whose son doesnt like me ratted me out to my mom it was not fucking cool of her. also for a good portion of the time where i skipped service i just straight up had no fucking clue i was skipping service. like idk what i thought was happening but i was so constantly disoriented or maybe mildly dissociated that i was just like Huh. What. Where is everyone. and all i knew was that if i went into service they would KEEP ME IN THERE for way too long and i hated it. fuckin youth group shit dude i did not like youth group. started going to church when i was in like 1st grade or so and kept going until like 6th grade ish which is coincidentally when i realized i had that dog (queerness) in me. honestly 1st-5th grade the service was lowkey rad basically just hanging out and doing a craft for 3 hrs. get told bible stories in picture book format. i read through the action bible (retelling of the entire christian bible in comic book form) like 6 times that shit went hard. actual bible is boring as hell the action bible still goes hard, in my memory at least. would fucking tear through that bad boy in a day or two, although i never really liked the new testament as much. like thats the part where jesus is and i was probably supposed to be a big jesus-head bc hes the main guy in christianity but idk just did not enjoy it as much. i think it was something about the apocalypse that always freaked me out. which i guess is the point bc its supposed to be like "RAAHH BE CHRISTIAN OR GET KILLED DEAD AFTER HELLA SUFFERING" or smth idk i was like 11 when i last read that part. but i didnt like it. lol i deadass think i tried to pray the gay away for a hot minute when i was 11 or 12. did not work btw if you hadnt noticed. i mean idk im like aro something ace something but not fully either of those. shit maybe im just deadass anxious or w/e idk does it fuckin matter what i call it. could call it fuckin. blleaurugh. all words are fake and i understand this the most when i am playing something such as word hunt or scrabble or some other word game. what the fuck do you mean "pingrada" isnt a word. that sounds so much like some random ass adjective and/or noun and/or verb and/or adverb. his pingrada was pagrandin like a hubdrat in the jymligruot. she grombamp on my deregray till i lergrah. oh so "fruntar" is not an english word but "girasol" is? girasol btw is a noun meaning "a sunflower, having edible, tuberous, underground stems or rootstocks." like. ok ????? what the fuck ??????? and zjierbness... brian david gilbert, man. what a man. what a guy. what a being on this earth we call home. im not mildly upset about that one btw i just like bdg. jesus christ i just read this back did it seriously take me 30 minutes to type all of this out. also why are my thoughts doing that. they are moving. bitch it is like a river in here. once when i was like 8 i thought i had adhd after watching 1 video on it and i commented something displaying my thoughts on the matter and how "ooOoOoOo look my thoughts are leading into other unrelated thoughts woOooOoOOw" but now im reading this back and im like. lol what the fuck is this. what the fuck is happening here. what am i doing where was i going with any of this. is this how brains are supposed to work lmfao?????

would like to end this off by saying today (yesterday whatever the sun hasnt risen who cares other than people who care abt that shit wow great comparison) beck popped 2 blackheads that have been chilling on my lip for like probably 2 or 3 months now. honestly did not think they were poppable they were fuckin In There dude. but she fuckin did it man. shoutout to women also would like to further end this off by saying i hope beck gets a gf who loves and cares for her and also also im like 90% sure i dramatized some of this. u can probs tell which parts. im in my feels a lot okayyy let me be in my feeeeeeels im a sensitive stupid little boy who is tired and sad all the time. like and subcribe. smat that like bottun. i am done being poetic about shit it is so time consuming (this is a lie i love being poetic abt shit).

ok ok im actually for real done now. if u read this far You shoudl totally uhh. nnnnot acknowledge the really stupid parts of this i guesss. but you should also tell me your favorite part. or just coment or whatever idk who give a shit.

ily sleep well and also sleep NOT LATE go to sleep gn *snoring*
simon ♥

it's been 10 days since i last updated and about 6 days since this last school year ended

i have been doing... nothing. in fact it seems i have gotten worse. wild how when structure is removed i just have no idea what to do with myself. anywho i passed all my classes this year, even the ones i was worried about not passing, so that's good. that's good. i had 3 A minuses, a B-something, a C, and a C minus. not stellar. worse than last year, actually. and i don't have any excuse for doing bad anymore other than that i just kind of suck academically and that i don't actualy put any effort into school. i could do better. i should do better. and here i am, not doing better.

summer school starts next week for me. i have to make up a semester that i didn't pass two years ago, which is basically the same as failing. it'll only be two weeks of it and i know i'll at least pass it; up to me to decide whether i want to do well in it. i kinda want to do well in it, to be honest. i want to pass it with flying colors, just to prove something. whether that's to myself or someone else.. i dunno. but regardless of the underlying reasoning, i want to at least get an A. i have no doubt that i can... but maybe i should have some doubt. idk we'll see what happens come the 5th. at the very least it won't be like last year where i get in trouble for accidentally.... you know what it's probably best not to talk about that on a public platform, however small it may be. iykyk.

i've been waking up later and later these days. i don't mean later as in "usually i wake up at 8am and now i wake up at 10am hahahahaha" no i mean usually i wake up at noon and i am now waking up at way past that. today and yesterday i woke up at 2pm. today i didn't get out of bed until 5:30pm. honestly i dont actually know how much of a shocker that is for anyone but god it's a shocker for me. i hate having a routine forced on me but apparently it's the only thing keeping me from divebombing head-first into complete and utter degeneracy. obviously i need to change this but every part of me is constantly screaming "FUCK no i dont want to put in effort" n its like. well. i either change my ways or i die so if you wanna go with the second option you better strap the fuck up buckaroo. insert i promise i wont kill myself statement and elaboration here. i kinda wish i had normal teen problems like "haha i think this person likes me" instead of "haha i cope with unyielding anxiety and suicidal ideation on a near 24/7 basis for no fucking reason" but like. you know. fuckers make do. beggars cant be choosers or whatever even though i think beggars should honestly get to be choosers. like idk you think suddenly i cant be choosey just bc im assfuck poor or whatever? humans are choosey im a human im choosey. humanity doesnt just suddenly get stripped away like that yk its like a whole process of dehumanization and bad treatment and borderline psychological torture or what have you. like i didnt turn out this way bc this is how i am, i turned out this way because of the circumstances ive been put in. dont put this on me but also like. eh yeah i guess put this on me a little. i should probably know better by now tbh. although if i were talking to anyone else id just be like "well your behavior is understandable bc of whatever and whomstever and yes certainly you have responsibility to better yourself but also dont be so hard on yourself bc of the aforementioned whatever and whomstever also you could really stand to stop diminishing your suffering" but bc its me im all "shut up dumbass" and i think its warranted. ugh i really Should stop with the self deprecation and diminishing of my suffering though. like regardless of if said suffering was bad "enough" or not, its still affecting me that kinda negates my suffering needing to be "enough". ok great got that sorted but now its like shit what now. and i dont think i ever really got past that part.

right well i'm gonna fuck off again for another week i guess. hope you're all well and as happy as one can be in their given situations. hope you're all looking forward to living your lives for years and decades to come and such. hope you're all looking forward to the future with heads held high and eyes bright, that despite the challenges you find the strength and community needed to survive and thrive. love you all, again i truly do hope you're all well, and thanks for listening or not listening.

xoxo,
simon ♥

HM INTERESTING it has been nearly a month since my last entry. odd indeed and even ODDER that i uhh honestly cannot remember what happened this past month LOL

school year is ending real real soon and im kind of mind boggled about it. also i really hope i dont fail my finals for 2 specific classes even though lets be real i am probably going to since i have no idea whats happening in them. my main thing is that i dont want to repeat them during the summer? because that would Majorly suck. but also like. ??? what am i doing. i am going to school but not to learn fucking math ????? i cannot emphasize enough how bad at math i am. i cannot emphasize this enough like actually. i think the main thing for me is that i get so frustrated about it So quickly so my primordial brain goes "ooh hey i know a GREAT way to not stress out about this!" and the solution it comes up with is "how about we avoid it entirely!!!" and i go "great idea!" because this is how i have been dealing with all of my problems for the last approximately 2 decades. also heres a fun fact about me i dont think ive ever done any serious studying for anything in my entire life So you can see how this is causing problems for me in my academic life. closest ive gotten to studying is going through sparknotes quizzes for books i read in english. i cannot emphasize enough how woefully underprepared i am for every aspect of my life. do i need to fix this? yes absoulutely. do i know how? do i literally even know where to start? absolutely not which is why i have not fixed it thus far. like. i cannot fucking ask anyone about this. i cannot go up to someone and start asking how i can study for things because they're gonna say shit like "review your notes! do practice problems! use flashcards!" and im gonna have to just Nod because that is not my issue my issue is that my brain doesnt work properly. i have never trained to be in the mindspace to study for anything in my entire life so while yes SUPPOSE i could start now. yeah i really could just start now. but heres my other flaw im a lazy bastard. and my OTHER flaw is i think that acknowledging i have problems is me fixing my problems. at the end of the day i still dont know how to do anything im just sort of flailing around waiting for things to happen to me. 0 sense of responsibility 0 sense of self its just 0s all around. anyways for school and shit i understand these concepts but putting them into practice is where i falter so like. yeah i can literally just do practice problems but i dont have the learned diligence to do things i dont want to do so its just like. lol. lmao. its weird that i am so Like This tbh like you wouldve thought all that mildly concerning trauma wouldve toughened me up or something but no im like actually so much worse of a person because of it. isnt that just completely wild? that bad things happening to a person can make them worse? thats wild. that is WILD.

i desperately need to fix myself but idk what is gonna motivate me to do it at this point. bad things are already happening to me all the time and for any reasonable person it would be a sign to change and take action and responsibility but im just sitting here. im just doing nothing about it. and me acknowledging that isnt really changing anything because i acknowledge it every time im reminded i have problems and issues that i can and should be fixing. And Yet.

i mean its not doing me any good to be putting myself down further but also like Lol Lmao my response is just to freeze. this is the worst self fulfilling prophecy of all time dude. idk idk its just weird bc im aware everyone is disappointed in me including myself but im also aware i could change that. but im just like. not. its weird its weird as hell but idk what to really Do about it. i just take everything as-is more or less and i never really strive to change anything which is like Probably some kind of fucked up trauma response tbh. but yk its very clearly detrimental and uhh i would Like to do something about it? but then. well. you know. the trauma response hits and now i am just back to doing as-is which is Bad because i need to do Not That.

really should be studying rn LMAO but its like past midnight and Well i am probably not going to do a 180 turn around of my life path trajectory by tomorrow afternoon. would be nice but rather unrealistic and anyways im not that type of guy and also i do not actually know what type of guy i am. what i need is an invisible guiding hand carefully pushing me to be better and dragging me along towards triumph but well. you know. if i had that i wouldnt have trauma and if i didnt have trauma i would be just Be better by default. which really is very self pitying but thats just how ive been for the last 5 years uhhhh hm ok well im reaching that time of the night where im thinking that i should go jump off the balcony in a way that would put olympic divers to shame so i should probably go to sleep and not think about my problems tomorrow morning. nothing changes everything stays the same and i'll probably kill myself down the line but. hey. it was probably always going to end up like that. i mean like no it wouldnt i literally have the power to change it but im not so its probably just going to end up like that. it is an extremely selfish way of thinking about things but maybe im just actually that bad of a person. ok i should probably actually go to sleep now before i decide on the curvature of the dive i'll be taking off that balcony lol

also. like. just to end things on a slightly better note. everything here is probably just due to some super fun depression and im never actually going to kill myself i just think about it a lot because its a good "easy out" solution even though i dont want to die i just dont want to have the unmanagable problems that i have. academics are just a big Oh No for my brain due to a lot of reasons and because of that i have a lot of Big Fucking Feelings about the whole thing. it sucks like of course it sucks the Circumstances of my life fucked me up beyond what anyone thought or thinks so i just sort of shut down when it comes to all that. i'll cry about it for a hot sec and then im back to just peachy. obviously this is unsustainable Or rather it would be sustainable and merely unhealthy if i did not suck at doing things so badly. regardless of the fact im fine im always gonna be fine because i hate the idea of trying to kill myself and failing and i also hate the idea of actually succeeding in killing myself just enough that i dont end up doing it. ive never been close to it ive never really seriously thought about it its just some thought i go back to because im unhappy with how things are and too stupid to change them all the same. so like im fine basically. i mean im not fine obviously, but im fine enough

anywho i said i was going to end things on a better note so heres this. im gonna watch a movie with someone in like 2 weeks and the movie is gonna be bomb as hell because we're gonna watch the new spiderverse movie and i KNOW that shit is gonna rock. i will maybe do a little studying tomorrow for those two finals im worried about and maybe that studying will help on my finals. i watched "the muppets in manhattan" today and i thought it was lovely even if the wedding at the end did confuse me to an incredible degree for no good reason. was VERY impressed by the puppetry, i have no idea how they did all that but it was Hella Bodacious (as in "remarkable or impressive" not "sexually attractive; used chiefly of women"). i made my bed today and that was super neat of me. tomorrow i will shower and try to sleep at a reasonable time and maybe even wake up before noon which for me will be a feat

xoxo sleep well drink water ily,
simon ♥

took a volunteering form the other day turns out i need 2 letters of recommendation and a resume??? and thats before signing the waiver which says "acknowledge and agree participation may involve risk of serious injury or death" and "binding agreement not to due or present any claim for personal injury" WHAT KIND OF VOLUNTEERING WOULD I BE SIGNING UP FOR. I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE FOR A SENIOR CENTER?? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME IM GOING TO DIE

in other news i just deleted an insane amount of text from this entry bc My Fucking God, Dude. dw yall didnt miss out on anything good in fact it was all really terrible and depressing so how about we skip all of that nearly 7000 character approx. thousand word long essay i was crackin open. just for today yk. as a treat.

ok so good things that happened today hmmm. well i didnt rip that inch long scab on my arm open again so i'd say thats pretty good. and lets hope we leave it alone for another month until it heals? let's hope alright. idk why im saying "we" and "let us" this is very much a one-person endeavor i am the only one who can make that decision for myself. but hey cheer me on or whatever. uhh another good thing today i still have friends and i say this bc im always worried they'll all leave me someday soon. so thats good that its still going well and that ive still got it and such. uhh i have electricity and a house and indoor plumbing and internet which is great. uh. everything else was pretty neutral or slightly negative i guess. oh uh no i also gave someone show recommendations that was nice. fun stuff yk. yeah other than that pretty average day. do i wish things on average couldve been better sure but nothing great nothing awful i'll take it.

love u all,
simon ♥

heya gang its been a bit. this'll hopefully be a short one lmao.

i appreciate that my new therapist (is she still a new therapist if ive been having sessions w her for like a month or so?) is allowing me to do a hell of a lot less floundering about but also its lowkey fucking w me. today specifically she suggested family therapy and i immediately shut it down w/o thinking and then she called me out on it (which is fair enough i do happen to have an unfortunate habit of doing that) (also to be fair i was shutting it down bc of my own little personal stuff which is valid and she didnt know that) anyways. it was fine she was just pointing it out but i havent been able to let go of it since it happened and that was like hours ago. weirdly enough as much as i tell myself im shit and that im nothing it actually really hurts when people criticize me or when i feel like people are criticizing me. im assuming that that's just because all the negative self talk is due to childhood stuff and its just seeped in but when i actually do get criticism it just rocket launches me back into childhood and now i gotta deal with all those emotions or whatever. also i feel like im wasting my therapist's time which is weird bc she gets paid to theripatize me n stuff but anyways my point is i feel like im approaching that territory where people dont like me anymore. at the start of my sessions with her she was like "yeah youre really self aware thats great youre doing great" and stuff and now i feel like this fun little sinking pit of dread and urge to cry bc im now thinking "oh no im failing at therapy also my therapist doesnt like me im a bad person oh no" which 1 im not a bad person 2 i ?? dont think there is actually a way to fail at therapy ???? anyways. this week ive also been recommended to figure out what i want from therapy and also to identity 2 or 3 of my triggers. im gonna say right now that one of them is probably getting criticized by anyone outside my family? which is. like. extremely inconducive bc i cant go through life if every time someone criticizes me i start crying lmao. not that crying is bad or that im bad for doing it! just like. it is not very good when i need to do things. also i think the goal i want from therapy is to identify trauma stuff and deal with accordingly, whatever that looks like. it currently seems im unable to function normally bc i have so much baggage, which really is quite a shame bc i think without all the baggage id be fine, even thriving in some cases. like i probably would still be not very good at math but i would probably have like a C- and be doing my volunteer hours and have formed study habits? and i am. not doing any of those lmao. which sucks because i kind of really need all that stuff to happen??? so. yknow. i mean i love the small steps thing and all but if i have to retake math im going to. i dont know i was going to say kill myself but that seems kind of counterproductive to say. id for sure be very distressed if that were to happen so lets just say that. oh also another goal i need to work on emotional regulation. like i REALLY need to work on emotional regulation i cannot keep living with every emotion i have controlling me and my thoughts at all times ykwim.

anyways this is an example of emotional disregulation: today in 4th period i scratched an inch long wound into my skin b/c i got bored and anxious at the same time over a scab, and my brain decided to deal with that by making a considerably larger scab. dont worry it didnt bleed however it did hurt quite a fucking lot. you know when you fall on concrete and skin your knee? thats what happened but i skinned my skin with my index fingernail and it didnt hurt until i touched it with the actual pad of my finger. and then it hurt a LOT. my point is this was my own fault and i chose this but i did not expect it to hurt as much as it did and does. also when people kept asking what happened and why i got this huge bandaid on my forearm i kept pulling off the bandaid to show them because i didnt feel like explaining it - due to this, the bandaid eventually fell off. forsooth, if anyone sneezes on the surface area between my cephalic and median antibrachial vein, i will die. of death.

another example of emotional disregulation: (is that even the right term? no fucking clue lets keep truckin) (oh its spelled with a y not an i oops lmfao) another example of emotional dysregulation: i keep... i dont even think there's a good term for it. i was going to call it "borderline cyberstalking" but i dont think the addition of "borderline" as an adjective helps my case. also, i'm not really stalking, cyber or otherwise. or am i? nope ok i am not. the definition of stalking is "the crime of following or harassing another person, causing [them] to fear death or injury" and i am 98% sure that i am not causing anyone to fear death or injury. what was i saying? oh, right. that person i've talked about several times this past year in many a journal entry. the one i've cried about in chem before for no good reason. that guy i get sad about sometimes, even though i really should not be sad about him. yeah, that guy. i found out he has a neocities site and i took a look at it in a horrifically pathetic way. as in the way i looked at it was pathetic, im not saying his site was pathetic. it was actually rather nice. then again a lot of things he does i find rather nice, but i dont even think that's because im over here longingly staring at him from afar or whatever the fuck, i think he's just good at doing things and also i appreciate passion in a person. but also i think my wet-eyed wistful whining might factor into it slightly. my fucking point is im being pathetic and i really should stop, but unfortunately im still essentially mourning the lovely friendship we had last year and whatever i did to ruin it. we haven't really talked in months, and i'd say im starting to think we never will again but honestly i think i've been staring down that tunnel for a long while now. pathetic! i know! i am fully aware! god let me be melodramatic about someone whos better and has more friends than me for fucks sake. whatever. ive been being melodramatic about that one person here for ages and ages now. do i talk about it to anyone? no. are at least three of my friends aware of it? yes. too much. i literally do not talk about it with them until it bubbles over into one huge geyser of "FUCK I AM SO SAD ABOUT THIS PERSON WHO PROBABLY DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME ANYMORE". and they have no advice to offer about it because all of them are in lovely relationships with little to no issues coming up. that's a lie there are issues but overall they are having a lovely peachy goddamn time. seeing them be happy makes me happpy of course, but also seeing them makes me feel horribly horribly horribly lonely. listen i am just really sad that i was very good friends with this person and now i am not. that specific ex(?)-friendship reminds me of every other failed close relationship i have had and fumbled beyond fucking belief. i am that dumb fuck who keeps fumbling bad bitches.

its past midnight now, i need to jack off solely to exhaust my brain and then immediately attempt to pass out before my brain gets a chance to tell me every reason i should kill myself right now. i will be commentating on the porn i watch the entire time because there is something wrong with me. there is no audience. it is just myself. each time i think about this fact i feel more and more lonely. god fuck i was such a lovely child i had so much going for me. jesus christ what fucking happened. im not gonna say i should kill myself but i will very heavily imply it. because i suck, probably. i dont know. thats not helping but it feels like the right thing to do. i need to unfuck myself up but first i need to go fuck myself and go to sleep. one day i will regret all of this but hopefully it will be because i am in a better and healthier position. either that or i'll finally succumb to alcoholism. love you all dont kill yourselves go take care of yourselves just because im mean to myself doesnt mean you have to also do that to yourself. goodNIGHT.

mwah,
simon ♥

have been doing absolutely fuck all for the past week. next week is nothing but testing. i should be doing more to help my family but im scared?? of it?? i think i need someone to guide me through the whole process. like if there was an invisible spirit that was with me all the time and i knew it was there and i could talk to it or something. is that why people believe in religions? god i dont know its not really my business is it

have been doing fuck all all week and fuck all today! had a nice conversation with my friends yesterday that reminded me that i still contribute to my relationships through humor and. i dont really know what else but its nice to know i still have that going for me at the very least! i. i dont know haha. i should learn how to drive at the very least. think i'll have to see about it whenever my dad gets back next which could be a while but like. *shrugs* nothing like procrastination. anyways rupauls drag race finale tomorrow that's pretty cool although saying that right after all of this makes me feel kind of bad about enjoying things which is sort of a different topic altogether but. Anyways anyways not really the point. what is the point i dont know. here are some sorting algorithms that i like the sound and/or visuals of (i dont know anything about sorting algorithms i was just watching a 58 minute long video on youtube that features 80 sorting algorithms honestly its a nice background noise) ok ok anyways here are some picks and such.

top sorting algorithms based off of visual and/or auditory experience, listed roughly in order from Most to Least:

• in-place lsd radix sort, base 10
• lazy stable sort
• gravity (bead) sort
• odd-even merge sort
• optimized gnome sort
• binary insertion sort
• least significant digit radix sort, base 4
• in-place merge sort
• andrey astrelin's in-place merge sort
• batcher's odd-even merge sort

so. yeah thats basically it! literally have been doing fuck all. i guess one last thing of note is that the mouth wound i mentioned a couple entries ago (ithink) has been seriously fucking me over. just wont heal properly. i guess i'd need to keep my mouth open for an entire night in order for it to heal the way i want it to (the way its currently healing is i think going to prevent me from taking Big Bites in the future) and that doesnt sound. super feasible? for me to be keeping my mouth open a whole night, i mean. shit i guess i COULD fucking do that but damn that sounds like a really easy way for me to also choke to death on a stray mosquito flying over my face lookin for a meal. or like a spider or something. i dont want to become spiders georg i think im quite alright actually.

happy 4/13,
simon ♥

shouldve done homework today. didnt do homework today. showered tho - maybe that counts for something.

in this weird fucked up feedback loop where i desperately want friends but like. i cant trust myself to do it. which is fucked up! i know i can make friends i know i can talk to people but i just. man. i just need someone to talk to. it doesnt feel like i have anyone to talk to about anything. even though i do. and i know i do. and i have evidence that people like talking to me and like it when i talk to them. i just. i dont know i keep thinking theyre lying. just bc its easy to do it. i dont know. i wish i could trust people.

fucked up that all my brain tells me is that every time i talk to people im being annoying. i never feel like i add anything to anyones life even though i know(?) i do. it just seems like that window is getting exponentially smaller and smaller and smaller and im running out of worth to people. im running out of time with these people. they wont want me around soon enough. maybe they already dont want me around! that shit makes no sense but like!! shit i dont fucking know!!! i cant be constantly asking people if they still like me or not im not even really that close to anyone i just force my way into peoples lives and refuse to leave!!! and i HAVE asked people before! and they always say some variation of "i still like you" but i! dont! know! i still find myself doubting it. doubting my worth in peoples lives. everyone has someone else and it feels like i have no one. even though i DO. i think. i hope? i dont know. its so easy to doubt my relationships bc thats the way its always been in my life. im a burden to my parents and theyve told me that (or at least my mom has on several occasions) so its not something i can reasonably doubt. they spend all their time taking care of me and for what? for fucking what??? im a useless sack of shit i dont contribute to anything meaningful im a mistake resulting from a bad relationship and im only still here because. i dont know. i hate the idea of trying to kill myself and failing. i dont want to deal with whatever might result from me trying anything so i just. i dont know! i just keep hoping for something and i dont know what it is im hoping for. i dont even think im hoping for anything i think im just aimlessly drifting through life waiting to die. i think i hope that at some point in the future i'll feel better? but i dont really know how its going to happen if i keep being stupid and not wanting to put any effort into fixing myself. i shouldnt even need to be fixed! i was FINE before my parents fucked me up! and now theyre just wanting me to be fixed?? to be better without giving me the support i need??? its not really on them. theyre trying their best and im not. i want to say its my fault because its always my fault but i know not everything is my fault. i guess after like 13 everything is sort of my fault. which is so fucking stupid because i would never say that to another person nor would i ever imply it or even THINK IT really but i dont know!! im not putting a face to any of this im just. mad at a vague mental image of myself for not trying hard enough. guess i gotta cut him some fucking slack but. i dont know just get better! just get better!! why is it so hard for me!!! why cant i make anything of myself!!! why am i the one always three steps behind!!! its my fault of course because im in control of my own actions but i wish there were someone else to blame. i always do. i make excuses for myself thats how im in this mess in the first place. fuck i wish my next therapy meeting were sooner. i just wish someone could tell me exactly what i need to do to get better. its all this vague shit about eating better and sleeping earlier and waking up with the sun and breathing excercises. but what about me what about my problems why doesnt the world revolve around me. i dont even want it to revolve around me. i just want to stop feeling bad all the time. why did my parents fuck me up so bad? why do i keep letting myself get worse? why do i keep forcing myself into this bottomless pit instead of finding it in me to claw out of it or something? why can everyone else find their way out and i cant? why am i so mean to myself? why arent i more self disciplined? why cant i just get a fucking break from all of this? can i just get a fucking break from all of this? can i just get a fucking break? why am i so stupid and sad and fat and lazy all the time? why am i such an awful person????

all of this is dumb none of it is real. i dont know. no one else has to be like this. im just like this because i suck total farts or something. thats dumb. thats so dumb. thats so mean im so mean to myself why am i mean like that. im trying my best and i feel like its not enough and im sad about it all the time because i used to be someone everyone liked and now im someone that i dont even like. at a certain point it all just got so complicated and intertwined and thorny and i guess im like this now but i dont have to be. and i know that but im really tired and i dont know if i have a future being anyone at all. and im putting all of those thoughts here because i hate myself and i have no one to talk to. i cant remember anything good anyone has said about me that i cant refute or that i feel like still stands. i hope my friends still know i really love them even if i cant love myself, because i do really love them i just think that i suck in a lot of aspects.

sorry if anyones reading all of this but honestly this shit is so boring and long i dont think anyone is. which is a lot better for me. man i am crying a shit ton.

love you lots,
simon ♥

today i had a therapy appointment and i went to a club dance!! both of those were very cool.

my therapist says i am very insightful and that i should value that more of myself, which i think is very nice of her to say. i have this thing where i dont think that im ever good enough so my first thought after typing that last sentence was "i think anyone can do that tho so i think she was just being nice lol" which is me discounting/disqualifying the positive. that's a type of cognitive distortion! theres like 15 of them and my therapist said i should track the ones that i have for a reason that i forgot lmao but thats fine ill just keep doing it bc i think its useful to identify them when they occur. i think she said something about identifying them so you dont spiral further? which idk if you guys have noticed but its something that i tend to do a lot LOL. and i would prefer not to do that! because it kind of super sucks for me and everyone else around me. i also do a lot of the "labeling" cognitive distortion which is when you put a fixed global label (usually negative) on yourself or others, ex: "im a failure and i suck" lmao. those are my two for the week! my next therapy appointment is on the 17th of next month bc ig i forgot to clarify that i wanted the therapy to be a reoccurring thing LMAO oh well such is life. the time would have passed anyways.

the dance was fun ☺ i don't usually like going to dances but thats just bc i get really anxious. i was anxious here too but i managed to have fun bc i was with a lot of friends!! and i like being around friends ☺ also people complimented my dress it was super cool teehee!! i couldnt find my black skirt so i wore one of my mom's dresses but i couldnt fit in it properly (im a bit chunky but im funky) so just kinda... folded the top bit down and hid it under a sweater. the jacket i wore was really cool! but i do wish i had cooler clothes lol. seems like everyone else has a sense of style and i am just a loser-esque fella without it ☹ its ok tho ill get in the groove of it one day.. even if i dont that doesnt make me worse than other people. i think i might have been kind of annoying and too loud there but i just!! i get so excited when im around mostly just people that i like!!! or if i feel like other people in the room like me or if i just feel the need to be loud and excited but i dont want to be like... idk its a whole lotta stuff my point is i was having fun and i liked having fun!!! even if i was really bad at dancing ☺

1 sad thing tho: that guy i get sad thinking about sometimes and who i accidentally cried about in 2nd period was very excited to see his friend who i walked in with but not really excited to see me and that made me a little ☹ but thats ok not everyone needs to be all ecstatic about me plus i have other people who ARE all ecstatic about me. so thats good yeah?

mweah mweah mweah :3
simon ♥

i was supposed to have an appointment with my therapist today but i guess the universe said no. oh well i successfully called the agency and they got me a good appointment time for friday so... whatever i'll deal.

every day in the 20s of march(? does that even make sense lol) makes the date a palindrome. i dont think it works in any other notation than the american one. is it even the american one? americans certainly get the most flack for using it lol. which is good i think americans should be shamed (as in lightly teased about minor things) (i say this as an american). anyways i just thought that was cool :3 i like palindromes ok. and oxymorons! i like those too. i like alliteration the most though, they're the easiest to come by and i loveee spotting them :33

my chargers haven't been working well in forever. waiting for the day i have a phone with fully functioning battery life, a charger that works properly, a computer with a shit ton of hard drive space, and a toilet that flushes with ease. and sinks that don't leak.

my chin has been sore lately. not sure why? but oh well. it's nothing bad i hope. i also hope the mole on my arm and the one on my thighs are nothing bad. i hope. lol. i dont know im kinda worried about those. but we can hope!

in this life some of the worst people i have ever had the misfortune to meet in person are my parents. especially when they're together lol. there's worse people for sure but i have to deal with them the most and i think that's what makes it bad for me personally. i cried just two hours ago about a fight they had bc. well i guess you dont really need to know now do you.

i read all of "farewell to manzanar" in 5th period today instead of studying for the test i have in that class in 2 days time. its a VERY good memoir by jeanne wakatsuki and i highly recommend it. teared up reading it. in class too thats how you know its serious lmao.

my body tells me i should probably be eating more but i can't bring myself to be eating more than i already am. eating at home makes me anxious. when my dad isnt around i dont have anything of substance to eat. when my dad is around i cant stand eating more than a bowl of rice and some soup. its just what my dad serves me (a decent portion by all means, my body is just weird about food). my dad is a great cook and frankly i should really learn from him bc hes getting older and i really want to learn those recipes. but idk im stopping myself from it. for some reason. i dont really know why. i think i just dont want my mom or brother to know im actively trying to spend time with my dad. i dont want them to get mad at me, especially my mom. she'll take it as a betrayal of some kind. she's fragile right now. i don't know how much longer that'll last, but i think it'll be a while. i don't think i'm ever going to learn those recipes. but i really should if i have any respect for myself. one day he's not going to be around for one reason or another and then i'll never get to learn those recipes. i don't know. i'll figure it out.

yesterday i decided that every time i get mad or upset i'll lift weights. there's a 14 pound weight thing in my room that my dad got for me. i think it'll be good for me, to start doing that. either i'll be less mad in general or i'll get buff. best to use these feelings to my advantage if i'm gonna have them, right? my back is still shit tho lol i cant stop slouching its a bad habit to say the least. idk. just think it'll be good to do something. better something than nothing right

possible working out phase incoming,
simon ♥

past couple days i have just been kind of drifting in and out of existence. this is why i need to start writing down what i do each day lol bc then this 'forgetting things' shit happens

i have this friend who i talk to sometimes. we never talk about our real lives. i dont see them irl theyre in another state. always talking about our ocs and then one of us passes out or smth. idk we just dont talk about anything real and then in the morning they dont reply to the last message i sent before they pass out. im not mad about it im sad about it. but i guess im also kind of mad about it lol. wish we were actually friends again but i think at this point we're such different people and i do so much Absolute Jackshit Nothing Interesting at all that its just like. well fuck idk what we even WOULD talk about yk. shit idk same thing happens w another friend of mine. but at least with that friend we talk about ourselves. god idk we just used to be really close and now im lame and pathetic and dependent and i dont smoke weed or vape or drink. sucks but what can you do it happens i guess. still fucking sucks though lmao. i just wish we were friends again

unordered list of what i did today:
-woke up in the afternoon (locked my door last night)
-drew a little bit
-watched yesterdays rpdr episode & correspoinding untucked ep + all of s2 of abbott elementary (good show go watch it)
-fixed the leaky showerhead in the bathroom on the first floor (the one that smells like paint fumes) (also that shit took a fuckin while lmao)
-ate food
-showered
-cried lol

fucked up my lip recently and i cant fix it lmao. just gonna be like that. it is what it is maybe ill finally stop ripping my scabs after this but probably not bc i dont have a better coping mechanism lol

need to start working out lmao. if im gonna keep being like this i might as well be marginally more in shape than i am now. need to learn how to fucking stand for more than 10 minutes without my lower back giving out at LEAST. god

i wish i felt like my friends liked me more. i wish i felt more wanted. i wish i didnt push people away back when they did want me. look where i am now. god i need to go to sleep

i dont know how to become a more interesting person but maybe if i were people would like me more. at least theyd be able to find more things to say about me. or maybe they wouldnt. maybe they wouldnt give a shit. you know it scares me that at any point people could just be talking shit about me and i wouldnt even know if they didnt say it front of me. shit they probably COULD say it in front of me and i bet i still wouldnt pick up on it. i dont know it freaks me the fuck out. all i can hope is that people dont do that. but i dont know i think they might i think it would be very easy to find things to say about me. im not normal in a bad way to a lot of people. i dont know i try my best to be likeable. and i know it doesnt even fucking matter in the end. but damn it scares me lmao. even more so now that i know some people actually have beef with each other. idk. i try my best. but maybe its not enough.

in other way better vibes im super stoked for the loosey laduca + jan + lemon "let loose" remix that i believe may be coming up soon!! lemon IS a straight up motherfucking rapstress - i had "sweet and sour" on repeat for WEEKS after i first heard it lmao, which is a lot for me! more than average!! augh i love lemon's voice so much.... goes w/o saying that jan is also v talented lmao but like i dont know her that well personally rip jan nation my sincerest apologies. let loose the original track is fucking BOMB too! much like how loosey bombed at the start ahahahahaha no but really it actually goes hard + i think loosey bombing in the talent show actually did her favors so xoxo laduca nation stays WINNING!!! even though loosey did not at the end lol. at the start i was so neutral about her it was unreal but now im like ohhhh my goddd i love her so much!!! team anetra and/or team sasha for the crown tho xoxo i cant choose ok i just love them both so much!! i think sasha is actually going to win highkey bc. i mean. just look at her and what shes been serving ykwim. but also i think anetra has a good strong fighting chance too!!! which is so asakjsdhfkjh i love that for her i love anetra so much yall, so cool so talented so stunning so funny also i find her very attractive in and out of drag LMAO shes so hot i mean just look at her bitch!! also i recently discovered people make instagram edits of rugirls ??????? (positive question marks lol) anyways idk HOW i didnt even think about that being smth people would do before i found one of them but like. thats so cool??? yall... teenagers on the internet are so fucking cool sometimes. legit if you are a fan creator of some genre you are so fucking cool like genuinely and for real idc what it is you do or what fandom u make shit for youre so fucking cool and i admire your passion immensely ♥ you are SO COOL i cannot stress that enough. fanart fanfic fan edits etc you are SO FUCKING COOL and i love you so much. i love your passion and your creativity so so much you are a blessing to this world and a backbone of society mWAH!!!!!

let loose! (i said let loose!),
simon ♥

WOAH i did not realize that its been 4 days since my last entry WHAT THE HECK!!! oh my god it was FRIDAY the last time good lord. i need to start putting the days of the week in the heading holy cow.

finished watching the great gatsby movie in class today. i have concluded that gatsby is an incel-vibe type of fellow. maybe it was cool back in 1927 but DAMN it is not cool now! gatsby stop being obsessed with a woman you havent even seen in 5 years challenge?? me personally i would just move on amen. again i know its an allegory for the american dream and it makes a lot more sense when looked at like that but also goddamn buddy save it why dontcha.

currently just sat around doing nothing for like 3 hours because something is deeply wrong with my brain and i can't tell what. future simon who may or may not be skimming this entry in order to discuss it with your therapist, please note the issues with procrastination and inattentiveness thank you very much.

i am not having a great time but ive been going to bed at 1am anyways so everything should be fine regardless. i mean not really but whos to say. other than all the scientists.

i ate someones leftover pasta salad today (they had like 5 bites and gave up and i was like "fuck that give it to me" and they didnt say no. so) but i dont think i had enough food to eat in general lol. luckily i live a very sedimentary lifestyle so it doesnt bother me all that much except for when it does but that's a different thing.

ok i'll just leave this here for today because i still have some homework to do that i haven't done because my brain is like. 2 wires that are so so crossed its simply and utterly inexcusable.

fare thee well,
simon ♥

...well i guess that "daily" thing was a bust.

today i learned about my friend's weird drama involving people i know and interact with, and now i feel awkward but also completely normal/apathetic to the situation. which i think is a normal thing to feel about high school gossip lol. i think the entire thing is Very Stupid and almost everyone involved is Very Stupid but for different reasons. but, again, i don't care.

watched the beginning of the great gatsby movie in english class today. i like it so far, if only for the fact that the movie is way fucking gayer than the books. gatsby why are you as a man specifically inviting nick to your party that is nortoriously invite-less. gatsby why are you staring longingly out the window at nick every night. gatsby why do you care what nick thinks of you so bad. also nick why are you staring at tom shirtless, don't do that he's very racist. ok yes is the gastby stuff all related to daisy in the end bc daisy is nick's cousin? sure. yeah. but i like things better when homosexuality is involved.

the people on duolingo are fucking ruthless what the hell. hi hello hi why does the bottom bracket have people with 500xp literally whooooooomst the fuck???? that is actually so messed up for real dude. whaddahell.... (bulnosaur)

i got a mmmmmmmshit i forgot MENINGITIS HOLY FUCK. THATS WHAT IT IS. I WAS THINKING OF IT AS "MEPITITIS" FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS HOLY FUCK KJHDKJFH4L;K anyways yeah i got a meningitis vaccination today at the doctors and i didn't cry about it which is great b/c just two years ago i had a panic attack about it. glad we got that all figured out lmao. the shit that happened at cvs happened here again i had to get stabbed by 2 needles instead of just 1 bc something went wrong. at cvs when i was gettin my 4th covid vax a while back (i love vaccinations i love not needlessly dying of preventable diseases ong) the fuckin vax liquid squirted out the needle when i was shanked by it. barrel wasn't screwed on properly. cvs employee was very apologetic about it and i was just like "aw no worries :)" instead of full on WAILING which is like. so fucking hot of me i know. anyways today the nurse just dropped the fuckin needle on the ground lmao but it was fine and i was also fine which is again SO fucking hot of me i KNOW. ladies get you a man who just says "ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow" when he gets vaccinated instead of one that has a literal actual hysterical meltdown in the doctors office and needs to be held down and calmed by 3 separate nurses. boy gee willikers we got some low lows and some high highs eh. did you know in 1940s america they called cute girls cookies? that's cute i wanna do that :) hiya cookie. honestly a lot of that 1940s slang fucking rocked lmao.

think that's all from me today. keepin it short n sweet. kept the sad shit to a minimum. didnt even talk about that other thing which is great bc it dont fuckin matter.

love you dishes (slang for an attractive person),
simon ♥

not a lot happens every day of my life, i just feel sad a lot. but i should probably start talking more just about daily small shit instead of waiting to have a minor meltdown before i talk about my feelings lol. i think i did that before, more or less, but i just forgot to keep it up. that happens a lot. i have memory issues, like c!ranboo but no husband. i think at least one of you possibly reading this will understand that reference lol. i'm not dead though so that's a bonus. also i'm not very tall or really that gender but those are separate matters that don't actually concern me too much, which is surprising b/c a whole load of manners doth concern me greatly. concern me as in make me feel concerned, not as in involving me. separate definitions, same phrase; english is fucking weird.

i have a project that i need to work on, but i don't feel like working on it right now. it's due friday, today's wednesday. i work better under time crunches but also worse under them - it's a weird dichotomy. i've done most of my homework tonight, though, which is actually super great b/c that's been a really big issue for me these past... 9-ish years, give or take. my point is, i'm proud of myself for doing some work at home :)

today was fine. rained, but not a lot. i like it when it drizzles in bursts, and especially when it rains in the morning because i don't have to do any physical stuff for PE. i mean, i should probably do more physical stuff, but i have the airways of a pug and the nose of one, too, so it's a little difficult. those things are exaggerations but not by much :P anyways today i chipped away at that project that i have to do, i did a lab in chemistry involving stations and pH and reactions, i barely grasped today's algebra lesson, i silently suffered through 4th period but got all my work done concerning that class (in this case it does mean "involving" or adjacent to that), i finished my work for history and i think i did it well, and then i finished reading and annotating the great gatsby in 6th. played some digital solitare waiting for my mom to pick me up from school, then i got home without much issue. then i dicked around on the internet for a while until around 9:50 (yeah i do a lot of procrastinating whoops) and then i did some work and now i'm here at 11:31 writing this. boring day but relatively productive compared to a lot of my days lol.

i've gotten into sudoku recently. i think it's fun. i think i am also winning a lot more than the app says i am, but who the fuck am i to say anything against hard data. the app i use to fuck around with sudoku has a LOT of ads, so as a result i've also recently gotten into the habit of having my phone on airplane mode for a portion of the day. i mean, shit, if it works it works, right? that does mean i miss out on texts sometimes, but i usually remember to switch it back... usually. besides, no one really texts me, minus the people who respond to the texts that i send them. i have, like, 2 friends that actually text me. 2 and a half, maybe. i dunno. i have a lot more than 2 and a half friends, or so i like to think, but none of them seem to make an effort to interact with me outside of school, which is kind of distressing for me whenever i think about it so i'm just not going to continue thinking about it right now. what was i talking about? sudoku, right. yeah, i mean, sudoku's fun, it's a fun puzzle game and it's relatively easy for me. fastest time was like 3-something minutes on easy mode. i dunno if that's even good or not, lol. my average sudoku times are like... 5-6 minutes when i'm not distracted by something? on medium mode, that is. hard mode is like... yikes. i don't do hard mode unless the daily challenges or adventure events force me to. speaking of which, there's a backlog of daily challenges that i've been making my way through. it's like solitare all over again, except this sudoku app's backlog extends back a year and a half, whereas the solitare app only extended back half a year-ish. you bet your goddamn ass i worked my way through that half a year of solitare dailys, though, and you BET your GODDAMN ASS that i'm gonna make my way through these sudoku dailys.

solitare was actually what broke my site a while back if anyone remembers that, lol. tried making a page to play solitare on, accidentally deleted my css file, it was like... a whole thing. had to repatch everything through reconfiguring the setup i had in the site generator and slapped in colors based off screenshots of neocities screencaps... whole fuckin' ordeal. but hey, i pushed through, and the site is still here and still functioning! i think. i dunno, i guess it could also be eating my computer from the inside out and i won't find out until it's too late, but that sounds like an irrational thought so let's all just smile and wave and wait for it to go away. ok it's gone yay :D

the great gatsby is a book i actually ended up finding rather interesting. obv daisy is a symbol for money and the whole book is about the fleeting promise of the american dream, always out of reach, and about the power/curse of nostalgia n such n such. honestly i was not expecting gatsby to die. spoilers i guess for a book that came out in 1925 and that almost every american highschooler reads at some point. anyways yeah i didn't think gatsby had died for a hot sec and then i was like "ohhh lmao" and then i was like "oh thats sad :(" bc it was sad that no one went to his funeral except nick, gatsby's dad, and owl eyes for some reason. i wrote in my annotations something along the lines of "superficiality begets superficiality" which is such a non statement and is so stupidly pretentious snobby asshole dense dickass sounding, but basically my point is gatsby entered a world of superficiality and surprise surprise he met a lot of superficial people who didn't give two shits about his death even though they went to all his parties and talked to him and all that. shitty literature analysis aside, before i'd finished reading the great gatsby i went to its ao3 tag and didn't read anything. but i guess now that i've finished the book i can go ahead and read stuff and judge it a little lol. woohoo ok i will go do that now b/c christ this entry is LONG i have a lot of stuff to say ig. like and subscribe if you enjoyed this journal entry. smash that like button with your face like a boss etc etc ok bye love you take care simonheads(?)

yours sincerely,
simon ♥

it's been a while. i just wanted to share some thoughts. i wish i were in a better mood. i have the power to change it but i am afraid of certain vulnerabilities. i should make a different section for these. i don't know. i am not alone but it feels so real.

i'm not alone. i'm aware that i'm not alone, it just feels like compared to everyone else, i have no friends, no life, and no future. i know it's not true, or at least i know i can change these variables. but something holds me back and i don't know what it is or how to confront it. i just can't shake it, that feeling. it openly breathes on my shoulder and traces the folds of skin inhabiting my neck, treats me like a lover when it is but hungry thorns. it whispers to me when i'm with other people and overwhelms me when i'm alone. sickly sweet — dangerously so.

"this is evidence you are alone and unwanted," it hisses, teasing poison into my heart. "this is the truth. if it were not, someone would tell you." but they have told me. they are just tired of fighting an unwinnable war. they are tired of repeating the same messages that never crosses through my thick fucking skull.

it is my nature to be vulnerable. trusting. honest. i cannot stop it from happening. i am so horribly desperate for love that i push it away when i come across it.

it is my nature to be stubborn. lazy. protective. who am i protecting? certainly not myself. i do nearly everything i can to make sure no one loves me, but again, i am so starved for love. there is nothing stopping me from categorizing myself as worthy of love, from shaping myself into the mold of someone who "deserves" to be loved. i think what i might be looking for is someone stupidly willing enough to love me despite it all. i am looking for someone to fix me. but no one can fix me unless i fix myself. but i feel i cannot fix myself until someone fixes me. and so it continues. and so it continues. and so it continues.

my next scheduled therapy session is on the 28th. my first session with my new therapist was on monday, and it went stunningly well. she complimented me a lot, told me, among other things, that it is a good sign that i am willing to get better. that i have already been taking steps to get better. i agreed. i said i am willing to put in the work to get better. i said i have been learning tips and tricks here and there.

i am afraid of what will happen if i get better, if i put myself on the path and do not stray from it. i am afraid of the world and the people that are in it. i failed once already. if i fail again, will it be indicative of my inabilities? or, maybe, i was failed once already, by others. my parents did not give me the love i needed to recieve when i was younger, so now i have made it my problem and also the world's. no one deserves to be subjected to my inability to love myself. i do not deserve my inability to love myself. i do not deserve to not be loved. and yet.

i hope my next therapy session comes much sooner than later. i vomited two days ago, i suspect it was from physical stress. i gave a presentation three days ago. i do not think it went well. today i seethed in my seat as someone gave their presentation about a topic i feel passionate about. i feel they were arguing an incorrect claim. i fear i may have expressed too much emotion. i wish people saw me differently. i wish i knew how i wanted to be seen.

i am very afraid of the world and the people in it. i am very afraid of what will happen to me if i give my heart to the world. i am very afraid that this will happen again. my actions are guided by fear like a prey animal. still, though, that's no excuse. an ungulate will gut a motherfucker if its life comes down to it, which is why you should never approach a horse from behind.

i wish i were better at art.

yours,
simon ♥

just had genuinely one of the worst showering experiences of my life. i implore you all to appreciate your good pipes and plumbing if you have it. please. for my sake. if you know which direction to turn the water handles in order to make it spray out water and it doesnt go fucking everywhere because your pipes arent genuinely built wrong CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE BETTER PLUMBING THAN ME. GO APPRECIATE IT. bonus points if you fully understand how to operate the temperature systems in your shower/if your shower's temperature operating systems are easy to understand BECAUSE AS YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED MINE ARE NOT. also if your washing machine and dryer both function go appreciate that, if they function WELL then even better. god i wish i could shower in my sink that is literally the only thing that functions well in my house. 2 out of 5 sinks in my house are fully operational. that is a bad ratio it should be 5/5 but it is not. i am in agony and i dont want to go outside tomorrow. pray for me or smth i dont care to what or who just make it to something positive i need something good to happen or i will actually lose my shit. its nice that i live in a place with 2 stories now despite it only being that way to maximize on space so the landlords can have more tenets but also it is bad because i am constantly like 2 steps away from brekaing my neck. it would be very easy to die in this place all i would need to do is climb over the railing. but its ok i wont do that just like i have never cut myself and how i have never drank alcohol or vaped or smoked even though some of my friends do. i will see a therapist in march. despite how miserable i feel there is good in the world and i want to be here. its just seasonal depression compounding on the regular amount of stress that im under. our power has never gone out and the landlord pays the water bill. the walls are crumbling in certain places but thats just outside so its ok. one day my mom wont yell at me anymore either she'll get nicer or i'll leave. for better or for worse i have access to the internet. i know i am not alone in this world even if it may feel that way sometimes. i'll probably never find a partner so i don't really need to worry about coming out any time soon which is good for me because my parents are homophobic but besides everything thats wrong with them theyre only worse parents than they are people and i think i can live with that. i can go to communitiy college if i need to and there is no shame in it. i will find a place in this world where i feel like i belong and am important someday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i will be ok if i get to next saturday. i will have marginally different minor issues by next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i just need to make it to next saturday. i j

simon ♥

ASKDJFHASKDFHJ;KL3 TODAY WAS SO FUCKING FUN OVERALL!!!!!!!!!!

as mentioned in my previous entry, today is my friend's birthday!!! we went to a mall in a sketchier part of town (no one realized this at the time lol but it'll briefly come up later) for a karaoke place, but apparently the place only allows people 21+ since it serves alcohol ??? which like. ok. i guess no one checked that! and that's fine tbh i didn't really care. also there was a harajuku(?) convention going on at that mall actually??? i did not really understand what was happening but everyone was dressed super cool in like really awesome dresses and designs of varying aesthetics and i felt... very underdressed. lol.

aanyways after walking around the mall for a bit our little group walked to an escape room through the shady town and i think we got catcalled 3 times but thats fine we take these Ls i guess. walked for like 30 minutes in that area. i felt like i was gonna get jumped any second (whether that is an accurate feeling to have about that area is another thing and it is very likely that my feelings were rooted in learned prejudice but regardless of that i still felt the way i did + i do not know what to do about those feelings like at all which is. weird but w/e) but hey all that aside it didn't happen! so that is a win B) hell yeah. the escape room was really really fun, it was atlantis themed and we ALMOST finished it but we sadly were 1 puzzle short of completion. the guy supervising us in the escape room took notes the whole time ??? i have no idea what they were writing and i kinda wished we asked to see it b/c im now very very curious. at the end they were like "yeah you guys were kinda slow at the start but near the end you REALLY put that teamwork effort in and that's great" ALSO they were like "and hey, one of you put in the trident puzzle pieces in! most people actually forget to do that so it's great that you did that" AND YOU KNOW WHO WAS THE DUDE WHO PUT THE PIECES IN??? ME!!!!! >:3 !!!!!!!!!!! so basically im super cool and awesome and smart and a total genius minus the fact that we didn't finish the escape room in time lol. BUT WE WERE REALLY CLOSE OK so i think that is still a W for us.

anyways after the escape room we went to a sushi restaurant that had those revolving platters on the conveyor belt (i first saw them in the game "jazzpunk" with jacksepticeye's playthrough. i really liked his playthrough i just wish he'd explored more of the maps bc ihazcupquake did it in her playthrough of the game but smth about her style didn't click for me specifically back then so i kinda stopped watching LOL it was either that or for another reason but. anyways its a fun game and you should watch that playthrough i think its fun) (oh also in that game there's a robot(?) cowboy(??) who likes sushi and always goes to this sushi restaurant and you have to get his fake kidney by killing him with pufferfish. so. yeah) and i spent like $50 on 13ish plates of sushi + a drink which is. ok i mean it was GOOD SUSHI but i do not really have that kind of money to spend and i have no idea why i did that because holy FUCK that is a lot of money. i do not think i understand monetary value like on a real level. (also side note one of my friends ate 17ish plates of sushi and had to pay $60 and was LITERALLY having an existential crisis in the restaurant (every time i type restaurant i have to copy and paste it bc i cant spell it ok anyways) she was literally saying like "one day im gonna get a job and make money and pay back my parents" i think the sushi broke her lol but she ended up being totally fine after some minor distractions which is so fucking #real tbh) anyways then i spent $5 on 2 taiyakis at an ice cream place because i didn't learn my lesson the first time about spending money i guess. but it's chill bc it was hella fucking good + i finished off 2 of my friends' ice creams. i am the ultimate motherfucking food waste disposal hoover man. all your leftover food is belong to me. i feel bad about it sometimes bc ik my parents wouldnt like me doing that + it is arguably a little embarassing/demeaning but also like fuck that i am only on this earth for so long i WILL eat all of your leftovers if i feel like it. despite the fact that i am overweight. actually maybe it is due to that. i dont know. doth correlation equal causation? methinks tis contrary to thine hand in destiny. or whatever the fuck idk.

we went back to my friends' house (the one who had the birthday) after all that and played like half a round of twister before eating cake and then we all left. and now i am back at home just straight up motherfuckin chillin. i think im gonna watch the latest episode of rupauls drag race which just came out yesterday (didnt get to see it yesterday) and scratch my ass (not a euphemism) and go the fuck to sleep (exactly what you think it means). YAY :D

swag swag swag as fucking hell,
simon ♥

i still hate my 4th period. also i embarassed myself in front of the people who are the worst in that exact 4th period class today so lets just collectively sort of hope they forget about it come next school day and that they dont start bullying me about it lol. it would be really embarassing if they started bullying me because they are all at least a year younger than me and the next time i'm back at school i'll be 2 years older than some of them. being bullied by children is probably one of the worst things that can happen to a man but it is in fact a very real issue and i do worry that i shall face it.

anyways let's ignore all of whatever the fuck that is for now. saturday is my friend's birthday celebration and i have no idea what to get her :( i'll get her smth at the mall itll be fine lol.

the people around me are simultaneously doing worse and better than i am. they're goofing off and skipping classes and im just sititng like a tub of lard, struggling with what i have for no good reason other than that im not applying myself i guess. i don't really feel like there's a point in it. i talked about it in my previous entry so i'll shut up about it in this one lol.

i've been listening to trixie mattel's discography a lot lately. the way i listen to music is probably really stupid to a lot of people but completely understandable to others. idk. whatever my point is i've been coming back to listen to tracy martel's acoustic cover of kitty girl (the version from rupaul's drag race all stars season 3, ms patricia martinelli had a verse on it on the show (along w/ the 3 other top 4 queens) and i enjoy it a normal amount) for several reasons. first of all it's good. second the way it starts off vaguely reminds me of the opening of taylor swift's song "love story" which i sang in front of my 4th grade class that one time in. uh. 4th grade lol. third i love the way she starts off the song all mellow like. says kennedy's verse so gently and sweetly (obsessed with how she enunciates "puss" like genuinely. like YES i WILL feel my puss down deep in my soul you are so right) and then sings the chorus the same way, then it's almost like she can't help herself and amps up her tempo & volume with shangela's verse (i love the way she says shangela's "halleloo" like that ??!?! ugh my heart), which then continues into bebe's verse, which then continues into the chorus and! her own verse!! aaksjdhf the exclamation marks are because im just soooo <3333333 like she says it almost exactly how she does in the official video but the little "uarhw" (sp?) at the end is so much more audible here and its so !??!?!!! almost cute ??? which is odd bc. mary that is a 30 year old gay man in a wig and you are practically a teenage lesbian. like ok let's calm down here. BUT SIMILARLY!!! at the end when trixie's closing up the final chorus she like ?? i dont know what the term for it is but IM going to call it a verbal riff bc i am what? uneducated and working with a compartively limited vocabulary compared to most people. anyways my point is THAT'S cute too. boogie bawdy rawniu niuuu IDK ITS BETTER WHEN I LISTEN TO IT it doesnt come across when im not scrawling it out onomatopoeia style.

GOD I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THINGS I LIKE unfortunately i have no one to talk to about my weird babygirlification of adult gay men predominantly in the 30+ age range who were on a reality/competition tv franchise years ago. but maybe that's a good thing? i mean i could just go on twitter but i fucking hate twitter. so. yknow. and yeah i COULD also go on tumblr but uhhh. no that's still too scary LOL. i'll just be cringe behind the comfort of a screen and unknown audience. yeah alright lmao ok MOREOVER despite my evident enamouration(?) over trixie mattel (and katya i think if you scroll back in the 2022 journal? unless i deleted that entry. ik i did at some point delete an entry or two and it was referenced at some point but idk if it was that one or not. oh well not my problem!) i would never want to meet her in the same way that troy barnes never wanted to meet levar burton bc "you can't disappoint a picture!" like yeah dude. yeah that's exactly it. so glad me n you are on the same page here with that buddy. (rightwards hand medium light skin tone zero width joiner leftwards hand dark skintone) handshake emoji.

i can't think of anything else to say LOL thats a first. anyways i guess we'll just leave it here for tonight. LOVE YOU ALL <33333 next time im around these here parts i'll probably be 17!!! WAHOO!!!! dancing queen by abba, seventeen by peach pit, uhhh probably another song about being 17? iunno. tell me about songs YOU know about being 17 and such, if you're reading this. i'll listen to all of them on my birthday and tell you what i think :D

i'll be the dancing queeeeen,
simon ♥

i am hilariously stressed out for no good reason.

there's this screenshot of an image i have saved (i probably saw the image on tumblr; it's a screenshot of a reddit comment lol) on my phone (which is not the surprising part b/c i have literally 4,000 random screenshots and images on my phone for no good reason really) anyways the comment says something like "you're actually so fucked. i hope you either change or die." and i'm really feeling like that's been me for the past 3ish years. like damn bro yeah either something has to change or i'm legitimately going to die. to quote that one moderately popular vine, something something you either kill yourself or get killed. *beatboxing* whatcha gonna do *beatboxing* whatcha gonna do. it doesn't go exactly like that but i simply cannot be fucked to find it rn. use your imagination. like spongebob. actually, like spongebob, i do not have my driver's liscense. unlike spongebob, it is because i have not been trying to get it. that's a different thing that doesn't really matter it's just another example of. something. i guess. idk.

anyways my point is my mom is right i could do great things if i had the right motivation it's just that i literally never have the right amount of motivation and it is going to get me killed one way or another (im gonna find you, im gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha (those are lyrics to the song "one way or another" by blondie, and if you're in the zillennial age range you probably know it from the one direction cover (rest in peace amen) or season 14 of rupaul's drag race in that lady camden and daya betty lipsync. but you probably would just know it from one direction lol)). for example i could write a fucking banging research paper/argumentative essay for my english class rn unfortunately my brain is 3 cogs short of functional (probably more) (i think i may be neurodivergent but also maybe not) so uh. yeah i won't be writing that bangin ass essay on daylight saving time lmao. side note the 24 hour cycle allotted by dst has been suggested to correlate with adverse health effects so. lmao. also it keeps getting put in and taken out, usually during war times (literally is/was(?) called "war time" when implemented during ww1 & 2 lol) ALSO it apparently doesn't even really save energy (which is what it was implemented for in the first place so. idk why we still have it if it doesn't even WORK) + farmers hate it b/c it fucks up their crop harvesting schedules & they have to do more work in less time. so in short it fucking sucks. but i can't just say those exact sentences b/c that's not how college level essays work (eh its about college level according to my english teacher and more or less i think i trust him) which sucks b/c i think that's a pretty compelling argument. it's good that we're like. learning to do this stuff. and im actually fine with doing it it's just that my brain is half the size of a donut hole and about as filled as the vacant, gaping hole of a regular donut.

these paragraphs are so fucking annoying to read i am simultaneously my own target audience and my biggest hater. maybe that's why i had such a huge boner for mcu loki in 2021 lol. on good days i think im the best person ever and then i immediately reel myself in and suddenly think i suck. but i dont swallow! because i am so horrifically bitchless. also im aspec. also if my face was less than 2 ft away from an exposed penis i would rip it off of someone's body. it's my penis now, bitchboy. or bitchgirl. #diversitywin. wait fuck bitchgirl is just bitch isnt it. no its fine its like how lgbtq+ can all be turned into just q. isnt it like lgbtqia2s+ now or smth. like guys i think we can just say queer. bitchin tho if people wanna use the full acronym its just. i dunno personally i would not but that is Just Simply A Preference and it doesnt fucking matter anyways b/c who actually gives a shit about that. its 2023 we need to move on from queer infighting and rally together to kill all cishets. sorry if you're cishet and reading this you're one of the good ones its fine. unless you're not a good one in which case we have to kill you. thats right me and every queer in all corners of the world are going to personally fly to your exact location and stab the FUCK outta your ass like julius cesear. 28 stab wounds WHOMST? slay. god that is so fucking incomprehensible LMAO its fine im just swag like that. daily affirmations. nightly, actually; it's nearly midnight. and i still haven't finished my math homework!!!! monkey brain. instant gratification brain monkey (monkey who desires instant gratification and also resides in my brain) strikes the fuck again. motherfucker. that goddamn cunt. dude why am i swearing so much. the monkey didnt do anything wrong it's late stage capitalism that's ruining everything!! FUCK!!!!

i hate my 4th period. almost everyone in that class sucks. the annoying ones are all racist homophobic sexist etc and the teacher doesn't know how to stop them from doing that. i think about bashing their heads in with my textbook a lot. or at least yelling at them to shut the fuck up. but obviously i will not do either of those things, or any other scenarios my mind may deign to conjure up while i silently seethe in the corner, because 1 hey thats illegal 2 hey dont hit people 3 anxiety. i hate them so fucking much though. they get worse and worse every day. i don't even know how to properly word my anger. below the anger is frustration and fear obviously bc it almost always is either one of the two. regardless of what my primary and secondary emotions are though i still fucking hate them and i want to beat the shit out of them. like, i won't, because that's not a good thing to do and also there's no way i could feasibly pull that off lmao. but damn i think about it when they're screaming and calling the half-black kid a monkey (he's a main part of the problem actually; him and all his friends(?) are the issue and they all suck for different reasons but on similar levels. i pity them. i hope the main instigators either change or die (not actually i do not hope anyone dies) because if im an above average amount of fucked like i think i am then theyre like. super mega ultra fucked or something. colossally fucked. i also hope that boy and this other boy get screened for adhd & stop bullying the girl who also desperately needs an adhd and/or autism screening but for different reasons. she's not really part of the problem tho she's just a little annoying sometimes in a regular "weird girl" way but shes fine i don't mind her. anyways its either get those boys some help or launch them off the balcony, either or. i'm not picky (for legal reasons all of this is a highly elaborate joke)).

dog i need a fucking hobby or something. i like drawing but i keep getting frustrated and theres too much pressure about it for me. also my apple pencil has been dead for months now and i think that death is permanent. i mean in general sure but also specifically im talking about that apple pencil. idk. anyways i just need to do shit. as said in that first paragraph i either need to change or die. not actually die i just need to change. but i don't have the motivation to lol. life doesn't mega feel worth living but there's just enough where im like yeah i guess i cant kill myself lmao. i probably wouldn't even kill myself even if life sucked like legitimately and in every single aspect, i think id just fake my death or smth. figure out ways to change my identity. maybe just move to a new city lol i doubt it'd need to be that dramatic haha. whatever the point is i need something to keep me going other than erratically texting people and hugging my friends who i keep thinking dont even really like me all that much/who i dont even have much in common with anymore. like theyre great and i love them but theres just no way those relationships are going to be solely sustainable ykwim. i need more people who i feel like "get" me and everything i come with. i need people i can trust. i have issues with that. for good reason sure but theyre still issues and they still fuck me & all my relationships up like, big time. idk. everybody knows shit sucks but i want my life to suck less. i need more people i want to keep living for so i can keep knowing them. currently it feels like im rather replaceable. which i mean. everyone technically is. but i would rather have more good people in my life who i feel dont want to replace me. not that i think any one of my friends wants to replace me??? dude i dont fucking know mental illness is a hell of a thing. i think i just need to say some real shit to more people more often. but i dont even fucking know what to talk about like genuinely. which is INSANE bc i mean LOOK at all of this shit but no like actually what the fuck do i talk to people about. not THIS SHIT. like what the fuck. what do i have to say to people that's meaningful? what actual fucking input do i have on any given topic??? everyone around me already KNOWS SHIT and like WAY MORE SHIT than me. i dont even know HOW to talk to people dude. like dude. what.

fucking bummer of a closer paragraph but who give a shit its past midnight and im still not asleep. i think the consistent lack of sleep is entirely detrimental to my health in almost every concievable sense, but the instant gratification monkey is going fucking bonkers up there and i dont know how to stop him. so. yknow. it be like that sometimes (it has been like this for the past 3+ years).

fuck me its all the same as it was before SHIT FUCK GODDAMMIT,
simon ♥

it will be my birthday this month but today was pretty bad so that sucks big time but oh well. we take these Ls we move on. or at least that's how it's supposed to be but actually my mind lingers in the past quite a lot. so it's more like we take these Ls we think about them for the next decade or so and cry about it in therapy but never actually properly unpack it. idk. i haven't seen a therapist in nearly a month lol.

today i failed to walk a mile in under 25ish minutes. the whole thing was sort of deeply humiliating; my legs hurt a lot and i felt like shit and i couldnt breathe properly, which all sort of sounds like stuff you sort out as a child and deal with for the rest of your life, but i guess not. my PE teacher gave me a C anyways because he said, and i quote, "you were keeping good pace while walking" which. sure. i'll take it man. what is it with teachers letting me pass things because they think i'm doing a good job when i'm not? my 9th grade history and english teacher did it, my 10th grade art and english teacher did it, and i guess it's happening again now?? people are captivated by me i guess. or maybe it's some latent magical ability. that one girl in 7th grade that i sat next to in honors english (who i think is still vaguely my friend?) told me i was magical, at least. and my 1st grade teacher said it was an honor to have taught me, which i think counts. and my 3rd grade teacher let me pass even though i didn't turn in like 3 projects (granted at the time i was suffering from severe undiagnosed depression and anxiety, plus at some point i probably blabbed to every single teacher i've ever had about my family issues. or they hear about it from other people i don't know). is that weird? is that weird that so many of my teachers so far have let me off the hook for stuff like that? i don't know man. probably not. it's good that they do because otherwise i would probably be way further behind than i am now. let's hope the pattern continues? or maybe all my teachers will wake up tomorrow with a sudden hatred for me now, just because i said that now. which is not what will happen. but it could. idk.

a lot of things in my life make me feel deeply humiliated these days. being the last person on the track and not finishing the mile in time, playing (loose definition) the piano when my family is around, playing (VERY loose definition) the guitar on my own alone in my room, walking around in public shopping areas on my own, talking to some of my friends one-on-one, talking about things i enjoy to people, etc. i think all of that just sort of sums up to anxiety? but like, very oddly specific anxiety. anxiety about stuff i never got used to. for example, i used to walk home sometimes from school which was completely fine, but i would have great difficulty crossing the street to go to the store. literally only one street crossing to get to the store. rarely ever went. was terrified of it. but crossing several streets on the way home? yeah that's fine. so i think, really, all of this chalks up to a fear of the unknown, where every variable creates a situation where something is unknown. and sometimes there are enough similar variables to where i feel comfortable heading into a situation which would otherwise be deemed new, and sometimes that doesn't happen and i either end up not doing it or doing it and suffering a panic attack. normal stuff. actually, not normal stuff, but frankly i don't really talk to enough people to know the difference a lot of the time. oh well. such is the way is the way is the way is the way.

i have some math homework to finish up but i don't feel like doing it. but i have to. but i want to go to sleep. but i could've already been asleep if i had just done my homework earlier. but i have to shower. but i can't shower now because someone will yell at me for not doing it earlier. but i am stinky and itchy. but there is so much stress involved in showering. ok i will just do my homework and then go to sleep because showering sounds like too much stress. i have not had any dreams lately because my brain is empty on dreams and just wants to sleep, which i understand because i do not really sleep a lot most days.

my mom wants me to apply to colleges with good and recognizable names. i am not sure if i want to go to college. i am not sure what i will major in. but i have to decide otherwise i will not get financial aid. my friends said i could go in undecided but that is no longer an option and i guess i will just have to be ok with that because there is no option for me to not be ok with it. i still do not know what i want to do with my life. i sitll do not know if i want to be alive at all. but i will have to keep living because i am pretty sure if i die some people will be sad about it. and i think i will have to go to college because i am pretty sure if i do not then some people will be sad about it. i am also pretty sure i will never be able to come out until the family members who i do not want to disappoint die. but that will suck. because they will be dead. and i think i do not want to wait that long. but i am not sure if i am anything at all. god i just want to be a boy. god i just want someone to talk to. god i want to go to sleep. i want to paint in a cave. to write a book. to shower. to share an orange with someone i want to share an orange with. i want the boy in my PE class to talk to me again and i want to pass my chemistry class and i want motivation to do my homework and FUCK i want to shower my head is very itchy. it's not lice it's dandruff which to some people is worse.

yours forever xoxo,
simon ♥

PS i wish it were enough for me to exist as myself and nothing else. perhaps this is why i envy dogs and cats so greatly.

PPS as you may be able to tell i did not die from that fish bone so i suppose it was fake after all. additionally i forgot it existed which is when it stopped hurting so i think my brain is just mean and likes to play tricks on me, which i guess is not exactly new news but it is not exactly old news either since i think that is very mean and if i had known that for sure earlier i would not have been so worried.

goddddddd i wish my throat skin and muscle were made of transparent material so i could actually see if anything was stuck in it!!!! FUCK I AM SO PARANOID THAT SOMETHING IS THERE!!!!!!!! gorl i am so. OUAHg. my brain is MUSH and i am simultanouesly so worried im gonna die but also so willing to let it happen!!! it's not really death that lures me in it's just the idea of being able to do whatever without worrying about anything. i wanna be a ghost bitch!!!!! invisible as fuck hella able to fuck with people zero responsibilities. bitch that is the goal. but everything in life takes work except bitching and moaning! which i do very often because it isn't energy taxing.

i would like to be interested in things! i would also like to be able to have a personal doctor robot at my bedside bc GODDAMN I STILL THINK I HAVE A FISH BONE LODGED IN MY THROAT BUT I THINK ITS JUST PSYCHOGENIC PAIN!!!!!! its like that time i woke up in the middle of the night bc i fell out of a wheelchair (i dont have a wheelchair irl) and into a shallow koi pond with a gator in it and it bit my leg IN THE DREAM but i woke up bc it hurt FOR REAL. LIKE IN REAL LIFE. not as much as an actual gator bite wouldve hurt but like oH MY GOD dude what the hell. that shit was FREAKY it happened 2 or 3 years ago (shit i guess 4 now ?????) and i am STILL! NOT! OVER IT!!! CUZ IT WAS FREAKY!!!!!! anyways i think this "fish bone" in my throat is like that. but who knows maybe im like for real just ignoring symptoms bc i think my brain is making it up and i dont wanna tell anyone about it for realsies bc i dont wanna waste their time over nothing!!! look man i'll go to the doctor when i start coughing up blood. auauaguh I KNOW ITS NOT REAL BC I DIDNT FEEL IT AT ALL WHEN I WAS JUST CHILLING OUT THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE but the SECOND i get left alone with my own thoughts ooUUAAOOAOA bitch all of a sudden its Pain Town Throat Central!!!! that is so many exclamation marks i guess my brain is feeling Big Emotions today. over Possible Throat Fish Bone. which makes sense i guess lol i think thats a normal thing to maybe freak out about. EXCEPT THAT ITS NOT REAL or maybe it is. idk how many layers deep im in to lying to myself just yet! i think the answer is a lot.

i fr do not get how i have friends. this thought pops up a lot in my mind and i think ive talked about it before here but w/e. like ok im so so so aware that its illogical but at the same time i cant see anyone enjoying Me bc bitch i live with me and i dont like myself so how would anyone else!!! my rationalizing for this is that people like what they see on the surface and dont really like anything else. i think this leads to a lot of self sabotage so i can prove to myself that people dont like me. but if i just worked on being healthier and happier and more well adjusted and shit then maybe i would like. idk. both feel secure in myself and who i am while also allowing myself to believe for realsies that people like me. idk! i just think its a whole Thing yk. this is like. a repeating thing. bc the only people that can really stand me rn are people who know me and know what ive been through but at the same time theyre not getting the whole Me experience so maybe actually they dont like me? and maybe they talk about me behind my back. and maybe they like me a LITTLE like just enough to not want to tell me that im horrible and gross and stupid but not enough to not hate me. or like. more realistically speaking im part of their life but only superficially and they dont think about me other than when im popping up in their head after someone else or something else happens. im no one's go-to! no one goes out of their way to text me! except this one person who sends me reels on instagram but idk if that for real counts as interaction. its dumb my brain is dumb i KNOW its dumb but i just feel so. lonely. and unworthy of love. and i still feel like theres a fucking fish bone in my throat FUCK SHIT I HATE THIS god was right to give me the blurse of a bad memory i hope i forget everything about this tomorrow or at least in a week i CANNOT deal with this anymore. in a week i will have different problems in a week i will have different problems in a week i will have different problems and they will NOT. INVOLVE. THIS FAKE ASS FUCKING FISH BONE!!! auauguhagh i have so much work to do why am i not doing any of it holy fucking shit FUCK. aguh. AAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

yours (gender neutral) (omnipresent) (all-consuming) truly and sinceretly,
simon ♥

PS ive decided im just a girl in the world. and also a boy. and also nothing and both at once! genderqueer: yeah dude that gender sure is queer!! we chillin bruh B)

NEW YEAR NEW ME im just gonna be typing like how i normally type from now on. uagh. bitches be like authenticity and then dont actually authenticize... that doesnt make sense but its fine we're chillin. we're chillin so hard.

motherfucker i am so goddamn EEPY my joints feel like DOGSHIT. help girl i have no desire to do work when at home :weary: i think its bc it reminds me of my quarantined school year <///3 girl i was so depressed!!! and i still am but less so which is actually so cool of me tbh. i still have a lot to work on but at least im not spending every day doing ENTIRELY nothing! still not like. doing a lot tho. which is kind of majorly shit but lets just say my quarantined year sent me back like 20 stages of life. i mean like ahahaha me and everyone else ahahahahah! but like. still yk.

AOUGH i need to start stretching like an acrobat or smth my bones are RICKETY at the ripe old literally ANCCIENT age of. 16. LMAO girl i am a little wee laddie. not a laddie who wees mind you! which is probably indicative of poor kidney health and i really should drink more water like straight up? but im languishing in thine affect or whatever.

wish my site looked cooler but like imma be so real i have no fucking clue how to code. liteerally dont even know what id want my hypothetical cooler site to look like anyways so fuck it we ball or smth. idk. idk! i am, at any and all given moments of the day, having an identity crisis. im too many conflicting things to fit neatly into an aesthetic box And also i am not enough conflicting things to be A Real Lil' Freak as the kids these days call them (who is them. there is no kids who call "them" that also there is no ""THEM"") aoug i Am THINKING about that Teamonade song. "Void" by Teamonade give a listen give it a whirl it is So mecore like actually and for realsies. for the guys in the back who dont know what the word "mecore" means it is the words "me" and "core" pronounced exactly like that but mushed up as one word bc with a space between it it does not have the same visual aesthetic. also it just means i relate very heavily to that song. anything can be mecore! rather, anything can be described as "mecore" without being in relation to my personal actual self because it is just a word anyone can use! tthaaaaaaats words for you fruits and snacks! like ladies and gentlment without the gendering and also you have to pick which category you are. its like the ULTIMATTO fun game. hint hint: you can be both! call that bigender.

now heres MY question of the day for you folks - do i come off as a funny boy with crippling anxiety or a funny girl with crippling anxiety? i think actually i very much come off as a girl on the internet but i dont know bro!!! literally i do not know. nothing is gendered like fr i keep trying to think "damn this probably makes me come off as a girl" or "damn this probably makes me come off as a boy" but literally nothing about me is concretely gendered. i think. like just from observation. i cant TELL what peoples genderes are man and i dont KNOW what the hell marks me as what i was born as not like for realsies at least. like yeah by some sterotypical definitions i can definitely be put in a gender box but bro there is NO gender box. like straight UP yall every personality trait can be a trait that anyone of any gender or sex can have like WHAT!!!!! bro i read this pdf the other day bc i have this argumentative essay on daylight saving time that i like REALLY should be working on but im not but ANYWAYS. shit i have it bookmarked on my school computer ok whatever i'll just go from memory. fair warning my memory is SO BAD i am HELLA hungry rn ive jst been chewing hella gum for like the past hour which i KNOW is bad for my tempomandibular joint (0 way i spelled that one right lmfao my bad) but FUCK IT i need shit to happen or else i EXPLODE bitch. goddamn this shit is incomprehensible huh. what the hell was i talking about im just looking at a wall of text rn. ohh yeah right that pdf. yeah it was like this essay on like.... i think a response to judith butlers book(? cant remember if its actually a book or not) gender troubles, specifically the drag portion. and yall i will be so fucking real i did NOT understand what was happening but i read it all anyways bc why the hell not. anyways i never read butler's book (hold on is it a book i gotta google it) (YEAH ITS A BOOK ok sick) but i read portions of it in this response essay (is that what theyre called idk) bc. yknow. argumentative essay you gotta lay out what you're saying and what you're saying it in response to and all thats kinda how it works. i think. anwyays yeah there was that part where its like "gender isnt something innnate you just Do Shit that corressponds to a gender and then bam Bitch You Got That Gender" which btw not at ALL what either of those people wrote; again as mentioned my brain is shit and so is my memory idk why. maybe hes born with it, maybe its early onset dementia. i digress. idk as i said earlier i legit dont even think anything is technically gendered these days like straight up i genuinely think in Thine Modern Era anyone can do anything and we can all go "hell yeah" so by proxy theres no gendered actions? unless we're talkin the shit that white dudes made up but then its like... ok well by saying that THATS how gender works youre upholding those ideas of gender that come with it yk. damn idk maybe im talking out of my ass (DEFINITELY talking out of my ass who am i kidding except myself) but. yk. shit like that i guess.

at the end of it all i guess my question still is "girl who/what tf am i/girl who/what tf do people see me as"! dog i spin some low quality ass yarn. feelin like chidi anagonye from the good place (GREAT SHOW BTW) with how much i talk in circles. saw somewhere someone said like "being self-aware is good if youre actually using that self-awareness to better urself, otherwise youre just" and i dont know what youre "just" bc i forgot, but it was something that was not as good as being a good self improving person. which i think is a good thing to be.

yall i lowkey talk like i read homestuck in my youth :skull: (ITS NOT ABOUT THE EMOJI ITS ABOUT THE FORM OF SELF-EXPRESSION!!!) or maybe i dont! maybe like straight up i dont and im just thinking that i do cuz i liked reading homestuck. bear in mind i also liked watching zoolander 2 (its better than the first one imo) and also i just said all of this incoherent stuff so like. shit i dont even know what my point was. i did like reading homestuck thouhgh. i tried to read it in the quarantine year and then i got bored bc the first couple acts are just setup & theyre confusing as shit. but then later it gets way too fast? pacing, man. andrew husstle (?? no fucking WAY thats their(?) last name but i legitimately fucking forgot what their last name was lmfao my bad. girl maybe it IS early onset dementia) wasnt good at it imo. i liked it tho. dont read homestuck but also yeah read homestuck. read a different version though theres like... a better fanmade way to read it and you can install smth that takes out the ableism and nerfs vriska's screentime. i still didnt like vriska even after the timeline fuckery shit was just not in my taste like actually. but thats chill i dont really care.

damn ok i guess my brain is just on beast mode or smth. actually no i think im just hungry and procrastinating. my brain views homework as a threat bc of shit that happened 2. no wait oh god 3 years ago. goddamn dude. yeah i mean my pink flesh buddy (my brain, who is mentally a separate entity from me bc thats the easiest way ive found to cope with shit ig) in my skrunky ol noggin (not that old) is right to see homework as a threat i mean it fucking blows but like. idk. shits good practice i guess.

ok ok i'll like actually end this entry now. sorry gang i didnt mean to type so much but hey i guess its like. repentance for dropping this for over 2 weeks i dunno. temporomandibular joint isnt just some shit katya made up as doctor bitchcraft in that one unhhhh intro its like legit a thing also i think it was a joke about cock sucking that i didnt understand bc i didnt KNOW what the joint was. anyways. to end this off uhh yeah if i were maybe 10-25 years older, more attractive, good at networking, somewhat talented in several asepects im not currently talented in, and into the idea of actually having sex in any way, shape, or form? yeah i'd suck that middle aged gay white bald man's dick abso-fucking-lutely. he has a boyfriend now i think tho which like hell fucking yeah girl. i hope they laugh a lot together that is like the 1 thing i think people should really get in a relationship. (edit 1/24: and also to understand love as an action rather than as a feeling, and also to differentiate it from cathexsis. lol can u tell im reading bell hooks' "all about love" pfft god i sound like a pretentious loser. i actually like it so far tho like for realsies teehee.)

FUCK I AM SO HUNGRY AND ALSO I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO FUAUAAUUAAUAUAAUUCK!!!!!.!! ok thats all bye.

XOXO,
Simon ♥