Welcome to my journal!
Here shall be all the entries I'll make in 2023 :D
goddddddd i wish my throat skin and muscle were made of transparent material so i could actually see if anything was stuck in it!!!! FUCK I AM SO PARANOID THAT SOMETHING IS THERE!!!!!!!! gorl i am so. OUAHg. my brain is MUSH and i am simultanouesly so worried im gonna die but also so willing to let it happen!!! it's not really death that lures me in it's just the idea of being able to do whatever without worrying about anything. i wanna be a ghost bitch!!!!! invisible as fuck hella able to fuck with people zero responsibilities. bitch that is the goal. but everything in life takes work except bitching and moaning! which i do very often because it isn't energy taxing.
i would like to be interested in things! i would also like to be able to have a personal doctor robot at my bedside bc GODDAMN I STILL THINK I HAVE A FISH BONE LODGED IN MY THROAT BUT I THINK ITS JUST PSYCHOGENIC PAIN!!!!!! its like that time i woke up in the middle of the night bc i fell out of a wheelchair (i dont have a wheelchair irl) and into a shallow koi pond with a gator in it and it bit my leg IN THE DREAM but i woke up bc it hurt FOR REAL. LIKE IN REAL LIFE. not as much as an actual gator bite wouldve hurt but like oH MY GOD dude what the hell. that shit was FREAKY it happened 2 or 3 years ago (shit i guess 4 now ?????) and i am STILL! NOT! OVER IT!!! CUZ IT WAS FREAKY!!!!!! anyways i think this "fish bone" in my throat is like that. but who knows maybe im like for real just ignoring symptoms bc i think my brain is making it up and i dont wanna tell anyone about it for realsies bc i dont wanna waste their time over nothing!!! look man i'll go to the doctor when i start coughing up blood. auauaguh I KNOW ITS NOT REAL BC I DIDNT FEEL IT AT ALL WHEN I WAS JUST CHILLING OUT THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE but the SECOND i get left alone with my own thoughts ooUUAAOOAOA bitch all of a sudden its Pain Town Throat Central!!!! that is so many exclamation marks i guess my brain is feeling Big Emotions today. over Possible Throat Fish Bone. which makes sense i guess lol i think thats a normal thing to maybe freak out about. EXCEPT THAT ITS NOT REAL or maybe it is. idk how many layers deep im in to lying to myself just yet! i think the answer is a lot.
i fr do not get how i have friends. this thought pops up a lot in my mind and i think ive talked about it before here but w/e. like ok im so so so aware that its illogical but at the same time i cant see anyone enjoying Me bc bitch i live with me and i dont like myself so how would anyone else!!! my rationalizing for this is that people like what they see on the surface and dont really like anything else. i think this leads to a lot of self sabotage so i can prove to myself that people dont like me. but if i just worked on being healthier and happier and more well adjusted and shit then maybe i would like. idk. both feel secure in myself and who i am while also allowing myself to believe for realsies that people like me. idk! i just think its a whole Thing yk. this is like. a repeating thing. bc the only people that can really stand me rn are people who know me and know what ive been through but at the same time theyre not getting the whole Me experience so maybe actually they dont like me? and maybe they talk about me behind my back. and maybe they like me a LITTLE like just enough to not want to tell me that im horrible and gross and stupid but not enough to not hate me. or like. more realistically speaking im part of their life but only superficially and they dont think about me other than when im popping up in their head after someone else or something else happens. im no one's go-to! no one goes out of their way to text me! except this one person who sends me reels on instagram but idk if that for real counts as interaction. its dumb my brain is dumb i KNOW its dumb but i just feel so. lonely. and unworthy of love. and i still feel like theres a fucking fish bone in my throat FUCK SHIT I HATE THIS god was right to give me the blurse of a bad memory i hope i forget everything about this tomorrow or at least in a week i CANNOT deal with this anymore. in a week i will have different problems in a week i will have different problems in a week i will have different problems and they will NOT. INVOLVE. THIS FAKE ASS FUCKING FISH BONE!!! auauguhagh i have so much work to do why am i not doing any of it holy fucking shit FUCK. aguh. AAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
yours (gender neutral) (omnipresent) (all-consuming) truly and sinceretly,
PS ive decided im just a girl in the world. and also a boy. and also nothing and both at once! genderqueer: yeah dude that gender sure is queer!! we chillin bruh B)
NEW YEAR NEW ME im just gonna be typing like how i normally type from now on. uagh. bitches be like authenticity and then dont actually authenticize... that doesnt make sense but its fine we're chillin. we're chillin so hard.
motherfucker i am so goddamn EEPY my joints feel like DOGSHIT. help girl i have no desire to do work when at home :weary: i think its bc it reminds me of my quarantined school year <///3 girl i was so depressed!!! and i still am but less so which is actually so cool of me tbh. i still have a lot to work on but at least im not spending every day doing ENTIRELY nothing! still not like. doing a lot tho. which is kind of majorly shit but lets just say my quarantined year sent me back like 20 stages of life. i mean like ahahaha me and everyone else ahahahahah! but like. still yk.
AOUGH i need to start stretching like an acrobat or smth my bones are RICKETY at the ripe old literally ANCCIENT age of. 16. LMAO girl i am a little wee laddie. not a laddie who wees mind you! which is probably indicative of poor kidney health and i really should drink more water like straight up? but im languishing in thine affect or whatever.
wish my site looked cooler but like imma be so real i have no fucking clue how to code. liteerally dont even know what id want my hypothetical cooler site to look like anyways so fuck it we ball or smth. idk. idk! i am, at any and all given moments of the day, having an identity crisis. im too many conflicting things to fit neatly into an aesthetic box And also i am not enough conflicting things to be A Real Lil' Freak as the kids these days call them (who is them. there is no kids who call "them" that also there is no ""THEM"") aoug i Am THINKING about that Teamonade song. "Void" by Teamonade give a listen give it a whirl it is So mecore like actually and for realsies. for the guys in the back who dont know what the word "mecore" means it is the words "me" and "core" pronounced exactly like that but mushed up as one word bc with a space between it it does not have the same visual aesthetic. also it just means i relate very heavily to that song. anything can be mecore! rather, anything can be described as "mecore" without being in relation to my personal actual self because it is just a word anyone can use! tthaaaaaaats words for you fruits and snacks! like ladies and gentlment without the gendering and also you have to pick which category you are. its like the ULTIMATTO fun game. hint hint: you can be both! call that bigender.
now heres MY question of the day for you folks - do i come off as a funny boy with crippling anxiety or a funny girl with crippling anxiety? i think actually i very much come off as a girl on the internet but i dont know bro!!! literally i do not know. nothing is gendered like fr i keep trying to think "damn this probably makes me come off as a girl" or "damn this probably makes me come off as a boy" but literally nothing about me is concretely gendered. i think. like just from observation. i cant TELL what peoples genderes are man and i dont KNOW what the hell marks me as what i was born as not like for realsies at least. like yeah by some sterotypical definitions i can definitely be put in a gender box but bro there is NO gender box. like straight UP yall every personality trait can be a trait that anyone of any gender or sex can have like WHAT!!!!! bro i read this pdf the other day bc i have this argumentative essay on daylight saving time that i like REALLY should be working on but im not but ANYWAYS. shit i have it bookmarked on my school computer ok whatever i'll just go from memory. fair warning my memory is SO BAD i am HELLA hungry rn ive jst been chewing hella gum for like the past hour which i KNOW is bad for my tempomandibular joint (0 way i spelled that one right lmfao my bad) but FUCK IT i need shit to happen or else i EXPLODE bitch. goddamn this shit is incomprehensible huh. what the hell was i talking about im just looking at a wall of text rn. ohh yeah right that pdf. yeah it was like this essay on like.... i think a response to judith butlers book(? cant remember if its actually a book or not) gender troubles, specifically the drag portion. and yall i will be so fucking real i did NOT understand what was happening but i read it all anyways bc why the hell not. anyways i never read butler's book (hold on is it a book i gotta google it) (YEAH ITS A BOOK ok sick) but i read portions of it in this response essay (is that what theyre called idk) bc. yknow. argumentative essay you gotta lay out what you're saying and what you're saying it in response to and all thats kinda how it works. i think. anwyays yeah there was that part where its like "gender isnt something innnate you just Do Shit that corressponds to a gender and then bam Bitch You Got That Gender" which btw not at ALL what either of those people wrote; again as mentioned my brain is shit and so is my memory idk why. maybe hes born with it, maybe its early onset dementia. i digress. idk as i said earlier i legit dont even think anything is technically gendered these days like straight up i genuinely think in Thine Modern Era anyone can do anything and we can all go "hell yeah" so by proxy theres no gendered actions? unless we're talkin the shit that white dudes made up but then its like... ok well by saying that THATS how gender works youre upholding those ideas of gender that come with it yk. damn idk maybe im talking out of my ass (DEFINITELY talking out of my ass who am i kidding except myself) but. yk. shit like that i guess.
at the end of it all i guess my question still is "girl who/what tf am i/girl who/what tf do people see me as"! dog i spin some low quality ass yarn. feelin like chidi anagonye from the good place (GREAT SHOW BTW) with how much i talk in circles. saw somewhere someone said like "being self-aware is good if youre actually using that self-awareness to better urself, otherwise youre just" and i dont know what youre "just" bc i forgot, but it was something that was not as good as being a good self improving person. which i think is a good thing to be.
yall i lowkey talk like i read homestuck in my youth :skull: (ITS NOT ABOUT THE EMOJI ITS ABOUT THE FORM OF SELF-EXPRESSION!!!) or maybe i dont! maybe like straight up i dont and im just thinking that i do cuz i liked reading homestuck. bear in mind i also liked watching zoolander 2 (its better than the first one imo) and also i just said all of this incoherent stuff so like. shit i dont even know what my point was. i did like reading homestuck thouhgh. i tried to read it in the quarantine year and then i got bored bc the first couple acts are just setup & theyre confusing as shit. but then later it gets way too fast? pacing, man. andrew husstle (?? no fucking WAY thats their(?) last name but i legitimately fucking forgot what their last name was lmfao my bad. girl maybe it IS early onset dementia) wasnt good at it imo. i liked it tho. dont read homestuck but also yeah read homestuck. read a different version though theres like... a better fanmade way to read it and you can install smth that takes out the ableism and nerfs vriska's screentime. i still didnt like vriska even after the timeline fuckery shit was just not in my taste like actually. but thats chill i dont really care.
damn ok i guess my brain is just on beast mode or smth. actually no i think im just hungry and procrastinating. my brain views homework as a threat bc of shit that happened 2. no wait oh god 3 years ago. goddamn dude. yeah i mean my pink flesh buddy (my brain, who is mentally a separate entity from me bc thats the easiest way ive found to cope with shit ig) in my skrunky ol noggin (not that old) is right to see homework as a threat i mean it fucking blows but like. idk. shits good practice i guess.
ok ok i'll like actually end this entry now. sorry gang i didnt mean to type so much but hey i guess its like. repentance for dropping this for over 2 weeks i dunno. temporomandibular joint isnt just some shit katya made up as doctor bitchcraft in that one unhhhh intro its like legit a thing also i think it was a joke about cock sucking that i didnt understand bc i didnt KNOW what the joint was. anyways. to end this off uhh yeah if i were maybe 10-25 years older, more attractive, good at networking, somewhat talented in several asepects im not currently talented in, and into the idea of actually having sex in any way, shape, or form? yeah i'd suck that middle aged gay white bald man's dick abso-fucking-lutely. he has a boyfriend now i think tho which like hell fucking yeah girl. i hope they laugh a lot together that is like the 1 thing i think people should really get in a relationship. (edit 1/24: and also to understand love as an action rather than as a feeling, and also to differentiate it from cathexsis. lol can u tell im reading bell hooks' "all about love" pfft god i sound like a pretentious loser. i actually like it so far tho like for realsies teehee.)
FUCK I AM SO HUNGRY AND ALSO I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO FUAUAAUUAAUAUAAUUCK!!!!!.!! ok thats all bye.