Welcome to my journal!
These are all the entries I made in 2022 :D
Enjoy my brain dumpings!!
12-23-22
Just past midnight
Time goes by way faster than I thought it did. Crazy shit but unsurprising. Today (22nd) I went to the mall with my friends and had a lot of fun! Also by proxy found out the skirts at Hot Topic do not have good sizing options, which was disappointing. I had... hm, about 6 or 7 moments of mild embarassment today? A majority of them public, too. But I think overall, everything went pretty well for me, so I'm gonna go ahead and call today a win. Very win-full. Win-filled. Win-ified. Win-some. ???? The english language is very confusing. Besides, it's not like it matters whether or not I make a fool out of myself. I've been doing that for over a decade and running.
Finals week is over and now I get to chill at home for 2 weeks. I'm hoping to do more things than wallow in my depression for that 2 weeks, but I dunno, we'll see how it is. I want to hang out with my friends and maybe get better clothes or something, I dunno. My fashion sense is about, hm, 294 miles due east downstream and actively plummeting down a waterfall at this very moment? So far, I've figured out I look good in black and red and... yeah, that's it. Frankly I don't really know what to do about that. I don't know what makes things "fashion". [Imagination zone: Peppermint saying "it's fashion" like she did on the Pit Stop for about 10 seconds. Ok, continue reading after you've gone through the imagination zone.]
I think I'm a pretty lame person. I have that sort of relentlessly weird and entirely swagless energy which people seem to be drawn to. It probably makes themselves look better, haha. I'm someone who is, I think, kind of stupid looking in face and in bodily shape. I think someone, with time, could find me endearing to look at and be around, however I think it'd be much easier for someone to grow bored of my brain's antics than to be made soft by them. I think I'm a manic pixie dream girl (boy mode) without the cool dyed hair or the sense of style or general pizzaz...-iness? Pizazziness. Sure. Yeah, I dunno, I'm not super interesting! And I think I'm chill with that. I think? I dunno. I don't carry the general whimsy for life into my private dwellings, and that is NOT a euphemism for anything, it just means that when I don't feel like I need to carry around the energy of the room with me, I get depressed and/or moody. Usually both. Throw in a little cynicism and apathy in there too; it always seems to pop up from time to time. Eugh. I dunno. Not really my job to be court jester. It's not shit I currently get paid for.
Spotify fucked me raw and up the ass about 20 minutes ago. Just stopped fucking working properly. Maybe it's the adblock that I'm using? Maybe Spotify's fucking pissed??? I don't even know, man, it just straight up stopped working and I don't know what to do about it now except to use another platform... which I currently am doing. So fuck you Spotify, I wasn't giving you money anyways but still, fuck you. Not that that'll really solve anything, I just need to express my frustration or whatever the hell.
Speaking of music! I've mentioned before that I've been getting into pop songs lately, and that still stands. But now it's also like... I dunno. Songs with bass? Songs with a thump to 'em? Which, frankly, I enjoy a lot more, even if all the lyrics are just "I enjoy feeling good through the avenue of sex!" but obviously told through more poetic methods. For example, COBRAH's song "GOOD PUSS" which begins with 9 repetitions of the line "A real good puss" and then 4 repetitions of this exact stanza: "I just wanna feel good / Gotta lay down with some good kush / Got a good girl a real good bush / Come and go get a real good puss". The entire song heavily relies on repetive lyrics to emphasize its theme along with like. Shit fuck I dunno the technical terms for it. The mixing changes shit up is what I'm trying to say. Like, there's some zings and zwoops thrown in there. I dunno! It's not everyone's style, but I like the song because the bass and COBRAH's voice are very enjoyable to me. Additionally, while I cannot in any way relate to the lyrics, I think they're very fun for imagining like... animation memes 'n shit. Hey, listen, I was and am into those, I'll do whatever the hell I want in my own brain. If I think that's fun, it's fun. Hurts 0 people inside or outside of my brain. Shit goes hard, dude.
Sorry, veering back to the music topic real quick: "Throat Goat" by Kim Petras goes SO FUCKING HARD. "These bitches can't suck like me / Walk in, I'm the sucking queen / Look around, all eyes on me / Jack it off, I'ma suck it clean / These lips go, "La-la-la", this throat Lady Gaga" I bolded that because it's my favorite part of the whole song because ARE YOU KIDDING ME that flow is so fucking sick. That shit is rad as HELL dude. Also I had no idea until literally right this minute that Kim Petras was trans? I was just looking up the lyrics so I could copy-paste 'em here. Swag tho fr, we need more hot people in this world.
I think I'd like the outside world to see me as a dude, and my personal real world to see me as a gender-fuck thing. I dunno how that'd be accomplished to be frank with y'all, but if it could happen for realisies? That would be so fucking awesome on god bro. I don't think people percieve me as a dude online lmao I talk like a girl. A "bruh" girl, sure, but a girl nontheless. Doesn't really rid me of the scars and hair on my hands or the dogshit fashion sense, it's just. Y'know. I don't really come off as a dude when I'm just typing shit. Which... I mean, I think that's fine. I think it's just b/c men don't typically express their emotions in the way that I tend to do, specifically speaking. I think. I'll be real I don't fucking know lmao. It's past 1AM and I gotta lament over my music queue being wiped from the face of the earth after I mess with it. Which probably doesn't make sense to anyone except me right now? And probably also won't make sense to me later, either, but who give a shit.
Yeah. Anyways, back to the music thing again, I think it's fun that anyone can listen to any music made from any point of view and just. Vibe in it for a while. I'm listening to a shit ton of like, slut pop right now? But despite how often I flirt with my friends, I want nothing to happen at all. The thought of sex? Fuckin' terrifying. Bitch, there's no manual! They stopped requiring us to do sex ed in high school! Er, which is only 'cuz they're doing it in middle school now, but I... did not get the sex ed in middle school OR high school? So. Y'know. [In reference to the Kennedy Davenport confessional line, not implying that I 1) do drag at this moment in time or 2) have a drag style which would be fucked over by not formally learning sex ed] Fuck my drag. I doubt sex ed really gives you that in-depth understanding of sex in particular which I would be looking for, I guess. I'm personally thinking of sex more as something objective, instead of a passionate act. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong? But also, like... Why the hell would I want to have sex with someone when I could just talk to them about something interesting. Or do a fun activity with them that involves less bodily fluid cleanup. Dude, why have sex when you can make pillow forts? Whatever, maybe I just gotta breach the barrier of naked intimacy and become a manwhore, but it's hella not something I'm planning to make happen in any due time. I still don't even really know how to talk to people, I think I gotta get that figured out first? Or.. I dunno, I guess plenty of people who have sex still struggle with communication. That's, like, literally a whole ass issue 'n shit. Communication is key to a healthy relationship and all. But regardless: no thank you on sex for the time being. Maybe that'll change, maybe that won't change, who's to say? And also, like... who gives a shit if does change or doesn't change? Not me lmao I'll be chillin' either way that's the fuckin' deal with life🔥🔥🔥lfgggg swag B)
Holy SHIT this entry is long. No goddamn clue if it's more or less long than previous ones. Hahahahahah that's what she said lmao tell me if you hated that shit. Anyways yeah uh I guess that's what happens when you're gone for a week? Also I gotta go the fuck to sleep lmao smell all you lovely decadent roses later or something. Roses are genderless they're fucking flowers uhhh yeah roses you're all roses or, like, whatever other flower you wanna be. Fuck it. Smell y'all lovely ass flowers later!
XOXO,
Simon ♥
12-10-22
Early afternoon
Been a couple days, eh? I don't know if anyone even reads these or cares if I do or don't post, but that's alright, I'm more or less hoping that's the case anyways.
I met my dog two days ago!! Uh, that's actually when I started typing this, but I guess I didn't finish. Story of my life, eh? Anyways, I haven't seen him in a really long time so it was super nice to see him and give him a ton of belly rubs for the first time in a year or so. I had to give him away after I moved last year, I can't remember if I've talked about that here yet, but yeah. It was super nice and I still love him very much, he's my favorite guy in the whole world. Still smelled the same and everything. God, I love that dog.
In my last entry, I mentioned I met "two people in their 20s who look, sound, and act like teenagers." Uh, well, that wasn't the case. One of them was in their 20s, but the other one was actually a year younger than me, so... (:|) ← that is a face btw. Anyways, I guess they were just really good friends. Except they were actually just really good friends, because one of them's a minor. They were both really nice! Kinda reminded me of these two girls who I sit between in chem. The girl on the left helps me with my chem work sometimes, and the girl on the right bugs left-girl to help her too. They're friends outside of school and also the same age (both are younger than me, they're just ahead of schedule in terms of their core classes) so it's less weird for right-girl to ask for help. Right-girl says left-girl's voice in a very specific sort of tonal modulation — she says "Nina" like "Neen-yah" every time, and I think it's sort of endearing but also wildly annoying. It would be more annoying to me if I didn't think right-girl was kinda cute and/or if I didn't understand on a spiritual level the relief of getting left-girl's assistance. *voice of girl from Camp Rock idk I've never watched it* She's really good! *end voice of girl from Camp Rock* I'm really very bad at chemistry. I'm also really very bad at math.
I've been having issues with completing my work on time or at all lately. Maybe it's a winter thing; maybe that's just what seasonal depression does to a bitch. Either way, it sucks a fuck ton and it's interfering with my grades, which are already pretty low compared to the grades of my peers. Everyone here has all A's, meanwhile I'm sitting here with my fuckin' B's and B-'s. Sucks a fuck ton! I feel like I'm not good enough to do anything even though I'm, like, probably just fine and average! Maybe that's just the problem, then. Maybe the problem is just that I'm average. They call me the midwest 'cuz I'm fuckin' mid. Can you imagine living in the midwest? Crazy weird temperatures and buttfuck middle of nowhere living spaces, driving 10 miles through a cornfield flattened by a snowstorm just to get to school every day. And YOU'RE the one driving; at 15, too. Fuck driving, I don't even know how to use a semicolon correctly! Then again, I guess tons of people who don't know how to use semicolons correctly still drive, but you get my jist. My jist is that I'm a fucking moron who should never be trusted with a brick shithouse steel machine that can break all the bones in your body with a single tap, and also that I feel like shit because of my school's social environment. I'm so stressed out but I'm also doing literally NOTHING compared to everyone else around me. I'm doing too much and also nothing at the same time! I don't know what I can contribute to the world!! I said today to someone that I don't feel like killing myself anymore but that's not even true!!! Fuck!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's cool. It's cool it's cool it's cool I'm just fuckin' peachy. I'm fine! Totally, absolutely, entirely fine.
...Well, I guess I wasn't fine, actually. See, I said near the start that I'd written most of this two days ago, right? Well yesterday (aka the morning after writing all that) I had a minor panic-esque moment in class. Left-girl (whom we've already established to be named Nina but I'm just gonna keep rolling with this) let me take pictures of her chem work so I could finish it up later. I haven't cried in public in a while, I guess I was due for it. Ended up skipping math to go talk to an on-site therapist in training, which was nice. I think it was genuinely pretty helpful, too, even though I just sort of sat there crying while traumadumping. I dunno. I've been having a ton of issues with this one guy in the class I have before chem who doesn't really talk to me anymore, which sucks because 1) we used to talk a lot last year and 2) I liked that guy enough to not want to take a different class this year. So. I dunno. Just feels like a waste, because I would've had a ton of fun taking that class this year, and I blew it 'cuz of this one kid who doesn't even talk to me anymore. And, like, I know it's not even out of malice, that I'm just socially awkward and/or really shit at coming up with conversation topics, but... fuckin' come on dude, give me something. Throw me a goddamn bone here, I dunno. It sucks! It sucks because we talked a lot last year and got along super well, but now it's just... fizzled out to nothing. I don't know. It's no one's fault, but I guess I was taking it harder than I thought that day. I just couldn't stop thinking about it all throughout chem, and I got so mad about it, too, and then I just started crying over it. Shit's weird like that, I guess. I'll blame it on the hormones and the fact that finals week is getting exponentialy closer every passing second and the other personal stresses in my life.
Anyways, besides that downer of a paragraph, the rest of my December 9th was super fun! Celebrated a friend's birthday, hogged the karaoke machine and made a fool of myself (in a good way, I think?) for a solid two hours, ate some cake, pet said birthday friend's dog (who was super cute and fluffy), toasted some marshmallows, went home at 11-something, slept well... Yeah. That was nice. And I'm not allowing myself to think about anyone potentially thinking less of me for the objective moral crime (joke) of having a good time at a karaoke place, because I'm trying to break out of the self-hatred cycle by not allowing myself to wallow in misery. I will not assume what people think of me until they tell me. If no one tells me, that is on them and not me, because I am open to fixing any problematic behaviors I may have, it's just that I'm too dense to figure out what is and is not problematic until someone points it out to me. So I'm going to go about my day normally now. And brush my teeth, because I haven't done that yet and it's bothering me. I'm glad it bothers me, though. It didn't use to, when I was in my 5 year long downward depressive spiral and couldn't find the energy to care about personal hygiene because I could barely get out of bed on time, but it's bothering me now and that means I'm improving, I think. Yeah. I'm improving, slowly. Very, very, slowly, but improving nontheless. That's good. I'll get better.
XOXO,
Simon ♥
12-2-22
Do I bite my lips raw because I'm hungry? Anxious? Touch-starved?? I have no idea but it's fucking me up so I should probably stop doing it. I bit this one part of my upper right lip so much it got like... visibly swollen. And I'm still kinda biting it... hm.
I have this habit of pushing away people who want to get close to me. My brother tries to ask me basic questions just to spark some conversation and I push him away every time. The idea of talking to him makes me uncomfortable. I assume this is a method of self-protection; he's homophobic in the "I don't hate gay people but they shouldn't exist because it's a sin" way, so I think I'm just trying to make sure I get the least bit hurt as possible in case it ever gets to him that I'm not cis. That's the most extreme example, though. There's no one else in my life who seemingly genuinely wants to connect with me whom I actively push away as much as him. And then I get frustrated when he doesn't want to listen to me later on? I don't know why I expect things to always go my way and people to always listen to me, no matter how I treat them. It's stupid. It's gross. I don't know how I still have any friends. No, I know why I have friends; it's because I think all of them are better than me and I'm just happy to be around people who tolerate me and my erratic behaviors/constant barrage of neurotic mannerisms. But I don't want my brother to know me, I guess. I think I don't feel safe letting him in on who I actually am b/c I know I can't do that without fear of getting kicked out or something. There's no point in him knowing I'm not cis anyways, but... I dunno. Like, I want to transition in the future. Maybe not fully, but a little bit of HRT to make myself feel more comfortable existing in the world. Maybe a surgery, I'm still not totally sure yet, but I won't be able to get any surgeries for a while so I've got time to mull over it.
Point is, if I want to do that (which currently yes I do plan on that in the future), people will notice changes and they'll probably ask questions and I don't need that shit from people. So... I'll inevitably have to cut some people off if I want to live as myself, because I don't think my family likes me enough to change their outlooks on "the queers" y'know? Just how it is, I guess. I dunno. I either ghost my family if/when I start transitioning, or keep up appearances until they all die. I just don't want to risk anything of mine, mental and physical health wise. It's not like my parents haven't been known to get physically involved when angry. There's always the risk.
Plus... I dunno. I need to break down foundations of trust with my family so I don't stupidly feel "betrayed" later on. And I think I need to do that with more people in my life, too. Ha, sounds weird just announcing it like that. Yeah, I guess I'm planning on purposefully putting up walls that I also plan on never letting down? Pffft. What a bunch of edgy teenage bullshit. Speaking of edgy teenage bullshit, I alternate a lot between thinking the key to living life is love and friendship, and thinking I need to build myself a state-of-the-art mental fortress so I never get hurt again b/c the world is full of horrible people I need to protect myself from. Very conflicting ideologies. Who the hell made me sentient? I want a refund; this shit is too confusing.
Today I met two adults in their 20s who look, sound, and act like teenagers. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...? Oddly enough, I don't think that saying applies here (sarcasm). Anyways, I dunno. One of them's in med school. I have no idea what I'm doing after college. I don't even think I'm interested in anything anymore, which is sad, but that's Depression™ for you, I guess, iunno. It's getting hard to get out of bed again, which sucks, but that might just be b/c it's winter now so I think I'm not gonna worry about that too much. I dunno. 'Tis the season where everything feels hopeless and aimless?
I just wish I knew what I like and what I want. I don't like eggs in nearly every form except two (incorporated as an ingredient to the point where I can't taste it, and whatever the style of egg in eggs and tomatoes is called) and I hate eating plain rice even with condiments unless I add hot water to it. I like being asleep and I like being around people who like me, but not too many otherwise I get overwhelmed. I like attention. I don't like attention. I eat too much and I don't eat enough. I like drawing but not all the time because sometimes I get too frustrated. I hate doing busywork. I hate cleaning. I don't like anything I'm not good at but I'm not good at anything. It's an interesting situation.
Ok, it's getting late and I have to share a room with people I don't like tonight. They want me to go to sleep so I guess it's gotta happen now.
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-28-22
Back to it being technically the next day :P
I'm not sure how long I'm going to continue being stupid for. Probably until I'm 25, logically speaking, but I guess that sort of thing also ties into the question of whether or not anyone ever stops being stupid. Hm.
Maybe I'm just going through art block, but I can't seem to come up with any decent character designs these days. Excuse my whining for a second, but fashion and designing is haaaaaaaaarrrrddd ☹ I've been realizing this after watching all current seasons of Canada's Drag Race avaliable to me and just being like... goddamn dude, how do people even come up with these outfits?? I guess the themes and natural cultivation of creative minds working together helps a lot, but goddamn dude, that shit is crazy. Anyways, I recently finished watching CDR season 2. I went into it already knowing who was going to win, but it was still super fun to watch for a multitude of reasons! I was told by a couple people that it was the "worse" season of CDR in comparison to the 1st and 3rd season (which I'd already watched), but I honestly thought it was really fun!! I actually liked it more than both of the other seasons overall, although all of them are amazing for their own reasons. S3 of CDR I think has been my least favorite of the three, but I still loved it which pretty much just goes to show how good CDR is ☺ Hahaha I'm having so much fun with these symbols!! Look at 'em they're wonderful ☺☺☺ hehehehehe!!!!! Ok, ok, I'll stop. Back to CDR S2, I completely fell in love with Pythia's style of drag; that "spooky and kooky but make it fashion" shit is my absolute JAM!!! Heavily related to Icesis' allegedly old knees as soon as she said that. I may be decievingly spry and youthful (not really haha), but my knees? Utter dogshit. Suffice it to say though, there's no way I could've danced half as well as Icesis did. Her first lipsync of the season vs Océane Aqua-Black hellooooo???? As soon as it started, I was mesmerized by the confident swaying of Icesis' hips. Swear to god bro. And those, like, star-jumps??? No clue what those are called but bitch she LIED about those knees AAAGH it was just so good!!! And her final lipsync!! The emotion on her face!!!! Ooh she good at that. On a wildly different note, to me Pythia had some very strong facial resemblance to Crystal Methyd. I thought I was the only one who saw that, but then I wathced a video ranking the CDR S2 lipsyncs and the editor of the video joked that the Gia Metric vs Pythia lipsync was the Gigi Goode vs Crystal Methyd lipsync we never needed. Honestly, I thought Gia won that lipsync for sure (I'm much less of a "do you know every word" person and way more of a "do you have the moves" person when it comes to drag lipsyncs), but I think people would've been really mad if Pythia hadn't made at least top 3, so... Well, that, and it'd be weird if 2/3s of the Brat Pack were in the top 3? Iunno. I'm glad the top 3 for that season was who it was, though.
I've only gotten to watch the first episode of Canada vs. the World (was really sad to see Kendall go ☹ she basically got Lemon'd. Beloved queen who was strong competition leaving first 'n all) but I would like to watch more... Guess it's just not in the cards for me currently, as is watching the finale of Drag Race UK which is very sad because hey, I wanna see!!!! I know Danny Beard got crowned though, and I think that was a VERY understandable and fair crowning, although I would've been absolutely ELATED if both Danny and Cheddar had gotten crowned. Truly think that would've been a super cool move, but I'm not mad it didn't happen.
Ok, fuck, I've just spent an hour-something talking about Drag Race to myself. Pfft. I could spend another hour gushing over all the queens I love. But it's time to go to sleep, methinks.
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-24-22
Late Evening (Not "technically the next day" this time!)
I already talked about Thanksgiving in my previous journal entry, so let's skip all that stuff this time. I mean, well, there's a lot to say about the holiday itself politically speaking, but I'm too stupid to get into America's celebrated colonialism (and land stealing from Native Americans and whether the land should be given back or not and the horrific treatment of Native Americans in America that began pretty much from the exact second Europeans got here) properly so again, let's skip all that stuff because I don't know how to talk about it.
Every fucking time I drink LaCroix (which isn't very often) I am simply astounded by the lack of taste. I saw memes about it a lot, but it wasn't until I actually had one that I truly understood the non-taste of a LaCroix. My mom likes them, though, and when she buys them I always end up having a couple b/c they're pretty much the only drink that I'll 1) end up finishing but 2) that I dislike the "flavor" of just enough to not immediately chug it all down. Think I've mentioned this before, but I have an issue with pacing myself. I'm either all in or all out or the secret third thing of just barely being in enough to finish an assignment or something. That last one is probably how I'm supposed to go through life anyways, but it's so awful and I hate it so much and I never want to do work, ever. Which is really dumb, yeah, but I feel like these days we're always doing more work than we're meant to be doing at all times. There's no point in half of it; wasn't modern society supposed to shift to a 3-day work week at some point anyways?! Where did that concept even go?? I want it back and I'd like it implemented. Please. Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Ugh, lawmaking. I wonder what ways the newest generation is being fucked over... Nevermind, I don't want to think about that anymore. It's sad. It's miserable. It's something I exemplify on the daily, on the hour, on the minute, every minute. It's Twitter and TikTok and short-form content shoved down your throats and up your ass. I hate it.
Back to LaCroix for a second. Why and how is the smell of a LaCroix so strong, but the taste is literally nothing? What the fuck do they do at Big LaCroix, do they just fucking soak some fruit in a couple barrels of sparkling water for a few weeks, then can it all and ship it? Fucking douse that shit in eau de fröote?? I get hopeful when I smell LaCroix, like "Ooh it might actually taste like something decent this time!" And then my dreams get crushed and I'm reminded of why I have trust issues. Forget about my mom threatening to leave me multiple times during childhood, or me never being sure if my mom was fake-threatening or real-threatening at all times, which made me feel as if I had to constantly be on guard for fear that she was telling the truth this time because I was a very naive and gullible young soul, LaCroix is why I have trust issues and debilitating anxiety! I've got it all figured out now! Now I just have to go and hunt the man behind Big LaCroix for revenge, Inigo Montoya style. It should be noted that, in my experience and analyzation over these past years, hate and love are sides of the same coin, and you should always be very, very careful about where you stand on that front. Although... that's more for interpersonal relationships, and less for corporations that DISAPPOINT YOU WITH THEIR DOGSHIT """""FLAVORED""""" SPARKLING WATER.
...
Anyways, I'm going to go watch the Lego Batman movie with some of my friends now. Bye!
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-23-22
Technically the next day again but shhhhhh it's fine it's ok!! I'm just currently in the unfortunate habit of writing these around midnight :P
Today was my friend's birthday! We had a fun time on a call for a good few hours and it was a BLAST!! I love my friends :3 I love my friend group :3 Sometimes I feel like they don't like me, since I'm not really good at anything and I'm younger than all of them by a year or more, but then I hang out with them and then those thoughts more or less go away :3 Idk! They're all just super nice and welcoming people and our friend group has barely ever had any problems, at least not any serious ones involving each other. We've been friends for more than 3 years together, y'know? They're all going through college stuff while I'm still in the little leagues. It's nice, though, having friends. I'm glad I have friends, even if I feel inferior to them sometimes but keep in mind that's due to my own insecurities than anything else, so... y'know.
It's technically Thanksgiving (for Americans) now... gobble gobble! Ha, no, I don't really celebrate Thanksgiving. To keep in the spirit of things, though, I'm thankful for my friends and I'm thankful that I finished my project, even though I didn't follow the rubric. I'm just glad I got it done. And, y'know, thankful for my family, I guess. My parents fucked me over for life out of their own incompetence, but I'm thankful that despite it all, they still attempt to keep me alive at the expense of their own well-beings. Even if I kinda resent them for bringing me into this world sometimes and treating parenthood the way they did/do, but that's a different thing. I am thankful for modern medicine and comedy and the knowledge that death is inevitable for us all. It sucks to think about, but I think death is the thing that makes everything else worth it. Human experience wouldn't be what it is without the inevitability of death, and I mean that on every level. Still sucks to think about. I wish things lived longer; that's not the same as death, that's just wanting good things to last. But there's a special beauty in experiencing a sunset when you know it won't last. Something magical about knowing when your time is up, and how that was always how it was supposed to end. I hate untimely endings. I like a satisfying end. It's not something that happens often, though. Just another fleeting thing to appreciate when you notice it. Things are so rushed through these days, y'know? No time to take everything in or to bask in its presence, it's all in one ear and out the other.
I think it's weird that the part of my life I'm in right now is something that's already passed the majority of people. More people aren't teens than they are, but we have such an influence; it's both good and bad. I want a glass of lemonade but it's November and I think lemonade's getting more expensive these days. God, everything's getting more expensive these days. I'm sick of doing things and I'm sick of everything being nothing. I need to go out more in the world. But with who? To where? And how? Everything's so far away. Nothing's a walkable distance.
"Cringe" to a lot of people is just genuine expression of the self. I go :3 a lot because I like the cat face, but I didn't do it for a solid couple years b/c I thought it was cringe. I'm still apprehensive about using XD even though I think it applies very well to many scenarios. Why is this? I think :) is perfectly acceptable, as is :P and :/ and :O and B) and such. But XD in particular has a very specific connotation attached to it that it can't escape, at least not to me. It's two letters in a specific sequence, but it says a lot. Whatever. I'll XD my heart out like I did when I was younger one of these days. I'm already :3'ing again; it's only a matter of time. Who decides what's cringe and what's not, anyways? I never understand what the consensus is. It just seems like one day something's "in" and one day suddenly it's "out". I don't understand the logic behind that stuff most of the time. It's confusing. Very, very confusing. I have a rule for myself: If it's not harmful to you or someone/something else, it's not cringe.
One of these days I'll figure out how to properly talk about my feelings. I talk about vulnerable subjects but I don't know if that's the same as being vulnerable. I get embarassed easily over stupid things, but I'm also very frequently out-of-pocket. Impulsive. Irrational and unthinking in action. I never know how to balance the two things. There's some stuff I'm 90% sure is normal to discuss, but I just... never do. Because it's embarassing or something. Even though it's not. For a really long time, I didn't let myself experience fictional or celebrity crushes because I thought it was something to be deeply ashamed of... even though it's kinda not. People have feelings sometimes, that's normal. And as I said before, as long as it's not hurting anyone, it's ok. So I don't really know why I have issues with discussing that stuff. Maybe romantic feelings are just icky for me? But saying that kinda makes me sound like a kindergartener who still believes in cooties. That's weird, right? I don't know. I think it's just hard to trust people with certain information. Like, I don't know you. I don't know who the fuck you are. Why would I talk about that stuff? But then it's also like... ok, well, it's not like you're talking to anyone else about it, either. Might as well avoid annoying your actual friends by talking about certain things over and over again on this site instead of with any of them. Spare you the embarassment and them the cringe, because not everyone thinks about cringe in the same way as you do.
Fucking hell this is getting long. I should stop here.
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-22-22
Technically the next day but shhh it's fine it's ok
Had to draw the header for my art page on this site with only my finger. I think I spent too long tapering the lines but fuck if I'm gonna go back and un-taper 'em. Fuck you *un-tapers your lines* sorta thing, except I'm not doing that b/c what's the use in making it look worse on purpose. To have it fit in with the lines on the header for the home page? Bitch, please, I'm not that kinda girl.
Speaking of "girl" I don't know if I want to be one or not. Not sure how y'all percieve me but I hope the answer is "not at all" lol. Ehh, I dunno, I'm just not very comfortable in my body. I don't know what I really feel drawn to in terms of masculine or feminine energies or whatnot. When I was a kid I had the average boy style short hair and I rocked the hell outta that, but it grew out a lot over the years and now it's at kinda... shoulder length, I guess? I think my face is too fat to pair with short hair now, but I dunno. I've just been going with whatever flows my way. I don't think I want to use she/her pronouns? He/him feels best but I dunno if that's just b/c I think of them as the "neutral" option, as stupid as that might sound. Like... being a boy feels like a neutral thing rather than an active thing. Is that how it's supposed to feel? Fuck if I know.
I like gender neutral/fluid language for myself, I think. I'm a boy like "hey there boy" or "there's a good lad" or "he's over there". I'm a girl like "oh my god hi girl I haven't seen you in ages" or "she's so mysterious" or, like earlier, "I'm not that kinda girl". And then, y'know, I'm neither of them like "you should ask what their pronouns are" or "it's indescribable" or "xe's an unknowable shadowy thing".
I think I like being a boy? I like being called a boy more days than I don't, at least. Like I said, it's a neutral thing rather than an active thing, but maybe that's just how it's supposed to be for me. I'm just a boy in the world. They're just some guy. It's just a thing that eats dry cereal out of the pantry at 2am. Xe's just chilling. He's just over there if you need him.
I want a deeper voice. I don't have a deep enough voice, I think. Puberty came and went and has left me with nothing. Still sound like I did before, much to my own disappointment. Maybe that's a sign, then? I dunno. Gender's a construct I weave between like a border collie in a dog show. Y'all ever watch one of those dog show videos? Those border collies are insane. Or maybe it was just the one that I saw, but goddamn that dog could weave and tunnel and teeter. Here, hold on, I'll getcha the video after I google how to imbed a video link on a website.
Yeah I said google but I use Firefox whatever whatever it's fine. I'm not stupid I'm just dismantling the brand name shhhhhshhhshshsh fuck whatever here's the dog video
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-21-22: Mini rant
Late Evening
WHY ARE ALL OF MY DEVICES DYING ASKJDHKHC;'"314#*&$! JESUS CHRIST. Sebastian is my only friend holy shit at least his battery life is ACCURATELY DISPLAYED. Beatrice is fucking me over she keeps dying on 90% !!! DYING. COMPLETELY. ALL THE WAY DOWN TO 10% WHEN I PLUG HER IN. WHAT THE FUCK. Ughhhh I get that she's from 2017/2018-ish but what the FUCK Beatrice!!!!! Her battery life doesn't display properly at ALL I have no clue what's happening with her. She's old, sure, but there's zero way that's the only problem. Sebbie's been around since... probably 2015? And yeah, he's got issues -- I had to completely reset him recently -- but he's still holding up despite all that! Fucking Apple and planned obsolescence. Poor Beatrice, the corporation's killin' her. Her and my unnammed Apple pencil that's definitively and emphatically dead. I'd say rest in peace but I think that thing died in tortured agony.
I didn't end up going to therapy today since I had an optometrist appointment at the same time. My eyesight is solidly in the 4-range, but my new prescription needs to be lowered to 3.25 in one eye and 3 in the other, b/c I've learned from experience that if my prescription gets bumped up too high too fast, my brain gets bitchy and doesn't percieve depth properly and then it throws a tantrum about it and then I get a wicked strong headache while wearing my glasses, which is all the time, so... gotta get that prescription lowered. God, what a life. What a damn life. Hope y'all got some entertainment outta my stupid rambling! I do this mainly for myself, so my brain can feel like its worms were released enough that it'll shut up for the night... or at least just long enough for me to fall asleep.
I've gotta stop chewing my lips and inside of my cheeks raw. Anyone got tips for that? B/c that shit hurts and leaves scar tissue, but I can't seem to stop doing it for whatever reason. I can't get shots without hyperventilating at the doctor's but I can voluntarily rip my own flesh apart? What's the damn sense in that...?
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-21-22
The respectable time of an hour past noon!
Love that my Apple pencil just straight up stopped working yesterday. The header for this was made almost entirely using my finger because my apple pencil literally died. What the fuck do I even do about that? Those bastards cost $200 each. Bitch, I don't have the money for that! Can't even figure out where my old Wacom tablet went. Still don't know where my school textbooks from last year are! I have to return those but I stupidly put them in a very unmarked box during the move!! "The move" which happened a whole 4 or 5 months ago!!!
Also just to be entirely transparent with y'all I DID have to sing the months of the year song in my head and count on my fingers to get that uncertain number. I am here to be authentic and real and to show the people(?) that I am a stupid little man -- literally; I'm like 173cm/5'7". I am short king representation.
I have a lot of tendencies that lean into self-sabotage, which is very unfortunate but I don't have the motivation to fix those issues so I don't. I have therapy today though, which is nice. It's also nice that I have this whole week off b/c of Thanksgiving, something that I don't want to and probably will not celebrate. Unless I do. Honestly, I don't know. My decisions are not my own and I mean that literally. But either way, I won't be having the best of times. Probably won't be having the worst of times either. Now the questions are if it's the age of wisdom, the age of foolishness, and the epoch of incredulity. Hell, maybe it's even the season of Light and the season of Darkness! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That it's the spring of hope and the winter of despair? That we have everything before and we have nothing before us? Personally, I believe we're all going direct to Heaven and direct the other way. In short, the opening line of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens speaks to me on a personal level, because I love me a good paradox and I love me more a long ass sentence that barely makes any sense, b/c THAT is how I roll, baby. I'm just not a published author or recognized literary mastermind and most likely never will be either of those. My sick flows are of the casual level but they're also not that sick nor do they typically flow well. Sorry, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh, right, yeah.
So basically, if I had been born any earlier, I would've been REALLY into Homestuck and my brain would've absolutely been rotted by the fandom. I WAS however born at just the right time to be really into Undertale, for better or for worse. Why is anyone allowed on the internet? My brain isn't developed, I don't know what I'm doing, why am I here? The American public education system does not properly prepare students for a life beyond school nor do students typically feel as if they will have a life beyond it. Or maybe that's just me projecting. I've probably talked about this before, but I literally don't know what I'm gonna do with myself after high school. I'm not smart anymore, y'know? I sure as hell used to be, but that was before I realized how much shit went down and gave up. I don't really know what I want in life. I don't really know what I can bring to the world. I don't want to fade into the background but I think that's my designated slot in life anyways. I want to do everything and be everyone, but I also want to dig a hole in the ground and cry in it and pass out in it. Y'see why that paradoxical shit from earlier speaks so much to me?
Maybe it's just part of being a teenager. Maybe that's all it is. But I don't know what real life is like beyond this other than college, which... that doesn't even sound like an option avaliable to me anymore. I mean, it is, but it doesn't feel like it. Teenagers have so much going on all of the time in their heads. It's awful. I don't even have to pay taxes or rent or a mortgage or bills or gas or even HAVE a job in the first place, for fuck's sake, but I still feel like the world is crashing down on me 24/7. It's stupid as hell. I'd like to speak to whoever did this to me. Made me sentient 'n shit. Because it sucks and I want to be part of a mycellium network instead of this. I mean, I'm really glad I can experience earthly delights like being able to pet dogs and cats and to enjoy pasta and to gurgle water in my mouth when I brush my teeth and lovingly understand the complex flavors of lemon pepper, but I wanna be a fuckin mushroom!!!! I love the details of human life but I am so sick of having to do things!!!!!
*Sigh* Whatever, there's no point in thinking about it. I have to make the best of what I have and what I have is this flesh suit and this electrified meat gunk that is Me in every essence of the word. No magic, no flair, no charm. Just me and my pink head-gunk. Which I'm sure some scientists would call magic anyways because you don't get into science without a deep love/passion for it, but I'm not a scientist so I'm not gonna call it magic. It's all just head-gunk. I'm all just head-gunk and wires in a skele-mech wrapped in deteriorating muscles wrapped in a flesh suit. And I have to be at peace with that, I guess.
All these fuckin' nerves and I don't even want to have sex about it. What's the point in these natural stimulants if I don't even wanna do something with 'em? Should I go rob a bank with my tits or something?? FUCK!!! Humans are so WEIRD, man.
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-20-22
Midnight/Really early morning.. again. This is, by all accounts, technically an entry for 11-19 lol
Sometimes I think about bbno$'s lyric in his song "mememe" that goes "Bouncing both ways, back to the bed, that's greed, greed, greed, greed" which recently has been annotated on Genius as "This could be a nod to bbno$ being bi-sexual" by a user who I've already forgotten the name of and I can't be assed to open that tab again so fuck whoever that is I guess.
Anyways, I think about it sometimes because I'm not sure if that "could" is "the lyric could be about this" or if it's "this could be possible and that could be referenced in the lyric". I have no goddamn clue if that makes ANY sense but that is a-okay with me if that's a-okay with you! Because it is so goddamn a-okay for me, babes. I have absolutely no problem with being completely and entirely incoherent at any and all given moments.
Continuing back on the bbno$ train of thought: it is no secret that bbno$ has a music video for his song "imma" featuring himself in drag, as well as internationally acclaimed drag clown Jimbo with some of the largest tits you've ever seen. Good for her! But I think y'all also deserve to be aware of the appearance of one Jack Manifold, niche microcelebrity, in bbno$'s music video for his song "i see london i see france" which btw is a song that I am actually a fan of! Cannot say the same for imma unfortunately. Just not my taste, I guess, which is odd because a lot of bbno$'s songs actually sound kind of similar? My apologies for that, Mr. no$. But I digress.
Huge fan of twinks. That sure is a hook! No, but really, huge fan of twinks. Also kinda hate them? The sterotypical attitudes of a twink, that is. Otherwise, they're great. I'm specifically talking about one in particular, but I made that mistake before!
It's like 4AM, I gotta end this now or never. Either that or I pass out at my computer, which is completely humiliating for everyone in this scenario.
Short but sweet. Sweet but sour? Sweet AND sour. Y'all see the performance for that?
XOXO,
Simon ♥
11-18-22
Midnight/Really early morning? How does time work
Hey, don't get me wrong, I love authenticity just as much as the next guy! I just think I need to follow my therapist's advice and not dive in headfirst with my full might, which is something I have an apparently very big problem with. That's ok! I'm working on it, I think. I think? I dunno.
I've been thinking about going to an art school lately. I've got a friend who goes to the school I'm thinking about... I'd need to figure out transportation, but that's kinda it? I could take the bus. Bus isn't that scary, maybe. Unless it is. I don't know much about busses. I haven't even talked about it with my mom yet. I don't even know if I want to actually attend that school or if I just wanna keep my friend company, which would certainly be nice! It's just... I dunno, I think I also need to think about myself. And maybe actually talk about it with my mom instead of trying to throw my fleshy ragdoll body and spirit at it impulsively. *Thunk*. That's the sound of my fleshy ragdoll body hitting the ground. Or maybe *splat*? Ragdolls are more thunk-y, less splat-y, but that's b/c they're made of rags. Maybe *crunch* or *crack* or *other onomatopoeic sound which accurately describes the sound of all my bones breaking at once* I dunno.
Sometimes I think my anxiety is the only thing holding me back from unleashing everything at once, so I should try to foster that. But that's not really super great for me, so I try to stop being anxious. But then when I do that, I get too impulsive and overbearing. There's a struggle there with finding a balance. That's kinda how most of my life is, if I think about it like that. I don't know! I don't know anything!
Final thoughts today: I need to buy a pair of gloves or learn to go inside buildings when it gets too cold outside for my hands to function. Also: feminine people are very pretty. Masculine people are also very pretty. I want to give everyone I find attractive a sweet and gentle but rather chaste kiss. Hrgn. Also also: I don't think my friends like me. Or if they like me now, soon they won't. Or if they don't like me later, they'll be laughing at my weird general vibe of patheticness instead of finding it endearing. *Shrug* I don't know how to foster interpersonal relationships with people properly. Ok, that's all!
XOXO,
Simon ♥ I don't know if that'll work lol HOLY SHIT IT WORKED OH MY GOD?????